I was in college when I received one of my most treasured gifts...even to this day I still keep and remember who gave me the beautiful calligraphy written card with the word TRUTH on it.
That card has made it through all my moves (and that’s two too many) all my packing and unpacking from college days.... all of my spring, summer, fall, and winter cleanings.... It’s a little bit faded out from the sun but it still survives. It now is waiting for me somewhere special where I know that some day soon we'll be reunited.
But this blog isn’t about the card. It's about the word that is on the card. I now think it's ironic that Liz picked that as my word.... honest and truth is one thing that I expect from everyone I let in my life. If you can't meet that one requirement then I have no room or need for you. But I realized that my struggle the majority of my life hasn't been with lack of truth from others but from myself.
I can't expect truth from others when I've so long struggled with being truthful with myself. I could keep promises with other but not with myself. So long I've struggled with this weight loss and promised to myself that I would be successful but it’s only been until now that I have been able to follow through.
It's been since I was young that I lost hope in truth in others. It would be temporary in my mind. They'd start off truthful but eventually they'd break it. I figured if I would tell myself that starting off then they couldn't hurt me later on down the line when they did be dishonest with me.
All the while I wasn't being truthful with myself. I mean that in the sense of.... I couldn't even trust myself to accomplish something but held others to strict standards. We are human, me included, and sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes, not on purpose, we are dishonest. And instead of understanding and accepting that I blamed others and myself for it.
You know, so many people think you have to take a big trip, have a momentous or profound surrounding, or meet an all knowing sacred person to have that "aha" moment.... but the TRUTH of the matter is, those moments happen in the simplest of places, times and usually with ourselves. What makes it a momentous occasion is that we finally realize it. The miracle is in our own acceptance and realization of it that matters most. I've been to Italy, I've had "aha" moments there, but I have had them sweaty and running on the treadmill, crying and laying on my bed, cooking a family meal.... Etc.
It's not the surroundings that make the moment happen, its ourselves...its us being open-minded to the moment to accept it. I was finally ready to stop blaming the men of my past for my lack of trust in people to finally realize it was a lack of trust in myself that caused me to struggle. I was battling myself. An amazing weight was lifted off of my shoulders today. I woke up this morning just like it was any other morning but tonight I go to bed even more grateful then I did when I woke up. Because I can finally start to move on. I can finally stand up for me and be proud of who I am as I am.
In all these years I looking at myself for my lack of trust in people would have been the last place I looked. I am just glad it didn't take me so long to get here. I could only imagine what kind of opportunities would open up to me when this day came. Now I go to sleep with the anticipation of what tomorrow will bring; with the new light of day will come new possibilities. It wasn't my past that was holding me back it was me. I trust myself...I believe in myself.... I love myself--and that's all TRUTH!
