My inner goddess took a "nose dive" on me this weekend...I felt completely and utterly defeated, to the point where I almost threw my hands up and said "I'm done!" I'm not sure what the 'being done' with part would be, but I'm glad I didn't get that far in my thought.
I had a feeling coming on well before my weekend started that something was "up" with me, but with so much going on right now, I really couldn't pinpoint it! My over controlling personality was frustrated with that to say the least! Always wanting to be one step ahead of myself ready to deal with whatever may be wating ahead...nope, I oh so un-gracefully walked smack dab into a perverbial emotional 'brick wall'! As I was trying to get myself back up, dust myself off, and tend to my bruised parts I realized that all I thought I had dealt with wasn't.
Dealing with all that once more to truly rid myself of the bagagge was frightening to me. It's all stuff that I felt I had addressed and was done with. But I realized that putting in a box and away in the "junk closet/drawer" never to be open or seen again, isn't dealing with IT! It's just there looming and waiting to be handled (hopefully before the door busts open off its hindges). Facing and dealing with emotions fully and entirely is hard but not as hard as we make it to be. One of my favorite authors (Geneen Roth) addresses this point. Facing and dealing with our emotions completely is far more satisfying then only partially doing so and never really letting them go, carrying them with us holds us down/back for what we are really capable of doing with our lives. I'm tired of being held back...told I can't do something when I know damn well that I can and will.
So on Sunday when I realized what I needed to do I literally shivered and pulled my covers over my head. I feared that facing those that I hadn't would 'suck' me back into that person that I was then...timid, self conscious, false confidence, etc. I've come so far and don't want to go back to being that person. But when I finally got up and walked passed my mirror, I stopped and looked. I finally was able to see my new body...the smaller me, the soon to be me that I've longed and worked so long to be. I knew at that point, that to get through this last push of loss I needed to work on my internal to match my external. I still feel a bit of tightness in my chest in thinking about what I'm taking on...but it's more than a want, it's a need! I've gone through SO much more and worse to this point that I've survived...I know I've got to making it out to be worse in my head then it actually will be.
That all being said...I can start to see the glimmer of light at the end of my tunnel. Yesterday, I took my first step in finally and fully clearing out my "emotional junk closet" and the man who matters most in my life was patient and open with me in my lingering self conscious reservations that I had--mostly self inflicted. But I needed full on raw honesty from him and I gave that back to him in return; allowing to ask any questions/concerns he had of me...not skimming ther surface of our pasts where we had questions but really being honest about what happened. I immediately felt liberated of a part of my closet crap when we were done. And I felt it not after my questions to him were answered but after his questions of me were answered. I realized that it wasn't just a need I had lingering but he did too. Where my heart previously felt frigidly cold, he warmed it through from its core.
So, to wrap this all up (in a much prettier package than what it was for me) don't discount your past and just chalk it up to "it's in the past"...sometimes some of us really haven't dealt with it in its entirity and need to in order to move on with our lives. For those who struggle with weight, this may be the key to finding your success. The losing weight part is easy and quite scientific in reality. But we hold ourselves back from the success by not dealing with our baggage. I'm tired of dragging and want to run free! And with that, my inner goddess is back on her feet warming up with her usual sassy stretching routine--ready and raring to go!
