I was attending a funeral this morning...since my mom's passing I tend to have memories of what I can remember of being at her's. The memories bring up more emotions now then I had then. During her service I don't recall specific details because in some sense I was just going through the motions of the planned day. I recall breaking down at the cemetery, but all that led up to it I really can't pull out specific memories from it. That being said, I find myself being reminded of certain moments when I relive them in the present for at other people's.
During one of these moments, I realized that my weight loss was sparked by my mom's passing. Not in the sense that I was SO depressed so I didn't eat--for the record, I'm not one of those kind of people, if I am sad I tend to do just the opposite! I realized that many people have life events that become "Aha moments" for them to change. I shook my head in sadness at that thought. I wished that people could see the light sooner! Looking back, I realize that I have (and always have had) all the tools I needed to start and continue this journey, I just never utilized them. You would have thought that breaking a bench while trying on Ferragamo shoes in their boutique in Florence, Italy would have done that for me but it didn't. It came down to watching my mom battle and die from cancer that got me to act. How sad it had to come down to such an extreme circumstance. I know, I know....there's bright sides (many) to this. But just hear me out. I'm a glass half full kind of girl, so this post isn't about it being half empty.
Based on some experiences I had over the weekend I stood there (at this funeral) realizing that I never acted on this sooner because I always felt that I wasn't "good enough." I've been working on/up to putting this all together with other break throughs that I've had leading up to this. While there were outside contributors, I was the main epicenter for "I can't." After my mom's passing--and surviving that--I realized, on a small level at that point, that "I can." There have been a number of 'small' "I can" moments that have continued to build upon themselves until I was finally able to see that not only "I can" but "I am...I have."
It sounds so simple and yet we make it so complicated. People today still notice my change more then I do...and that should bug the heck out of me, but it doesn't. Because I realize that the change(s) that I have and am going through are more then external. I want this for life, not just for an event that I'd like to look nice at. I want to be healthy, happy, and living life to the fullest. That requires me to mentally, emotionally, and spiritually go places that I haven't. It requires me to make commitment to myself physically and to not beat myself up mentally/emotionally if I slip up every now and then.
What I have done--physically--to lose 110 lbs is nothing new or different that what I/we have always know to do to achieve these results. The most important key to it all though, was what I needed to bring to this mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. That requires much more than lifting any weight, running any amount of distance, or spinning for any length of time.
I have a had a lot of support through this from many people...but I always had that. My biggest "cheerleader" passed and that's who I always depended on to get me through "it" all. This gave me the opportunity to prove to myself that I had all that I needed to all along, for whatever I may encounter in life.
