I often can't believe how much has happened in the last four years...by on the upcoming anniversary of my mom's passing I experienced something that was a great reminder! Below is the link for my first ever featured story...I've never done this. The experience alone was a lesson learned. But the story that Martin wrote about me even amazed me! I didn't really know I had "a story" until someone approached me about it. I'm honored, grateful and blessed! Thank you for all your continued support!
http://sanbruno.patch.com/articles/overcoming-hardships-and-obesity-san-bruno-woman-loses-120-pounds
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Saturday, June 9, 2012
I'm back...
...back from Portland and all my other mini travels this past month.
...back to my workout regimen, even more so now since I'm in training mode (more on that later).
....back to living solo since my "other half" is back to work on the other side of the country (I know my complaining here should be minimal as there are many who have significant others deployed).
....back to having dreams with my mom in them (haven't had those for a long time).
...back to the regimen of school as I close my last course and begin (officially) my thesis paper writing to complete my program and achieve my Masters degree.
Well let's start here....I returned back from Portland on Monday evening (of course much later than originally expected due to fog at SFO). Exhaustion set in quickly and I was nearly snoring at the dinner table. That night I slept hard and deep and by myself. He got on a plane to go back to the EC the same day as I left to go to Portland; it didn't hit me until I got off the plane in SFO fr Portland that he was really gone. It's still hard, we work well, we both do well separately but we are SO much better together--physically. So exhaustion was a blessing that night being that it was my first night sleeping alone again. That night I had vivid dreams--upon first reflection, I thought they were nightmares. My first part of the dream was me fighting for my life, pretty physically too. Usually I'm running from being attacked, I can't recall ever actually standing my ground and fighting back. The second part of my dream was about my mom--haven't had one of those in a long time.
I woke up that morning to a boxing session at 8am. This was my first "real workout" in at least a week. I had been walking all over downtown Portland, but that was nothing in comparison to my normal workouts. I was physically unprepared but even more so, mentally! Boxing is physical and mental. Combinations require you to be quick and sharp, or you get hit. I was all sorts of off! It was unnerving. For the rest of the week I went hard and was determined to get back on track! Tonight I sit here sore all over and tired. On top of that, I realized that I needed something to keep me anchored to my workouts for the summer. School will keep me extra busy during this last homestretch and I don't want to fall off course. So I signed up for my first half marathon in eight weeks. I'm going to break out of my comfort zone and train to run all 13.1 miles in Sonoma County this August.
This was a blunt reawakening. It's not just physical, it's mental. It's not just mental, it's emotional. It's not just me that's going thru this, it's all of us. And above all, I have a choice. A choice to be active or be inactive. A choice to live my life or let life happen to me.
...back to my workout regimen, even more so now since I'm in training mode (more on that later).
....back to living solo since my "other half" is back to work on the other side of the country (I know my complaining here should be minimal as there are many who have significant others deployed).
....back to having dreams with my mom in them (haven't had those for a long time).
...back to the regimen of school as I close my last course and begin (officially) my thesis paper writing to complete my program and achieve my Masters degree.
Well let's start here....I returned back from Portland on Monday evening (of course much later than originally expected due to fog at SFO). Exhaustion set in quickly and I was nearly snoring at the dinner table. That night I slept hard and deep and by myself. He got on a plane to go back to the EC the same day as I left to go to Portland; it didn't hit me until I got off the plane in SFO fr Portland that he was really gone. It's still hard, we work well, we both do well separately but we are SO much better together--physically. So exhaustion was a blessing that night being that it was my first night sleeping alone again. That night I had vivid dreams--upon first reflection, I thought they were nightmares. My first part of the dream was me fighting for my life, pretty physically too. Usually I'm running from being attacked, I can't recall ever actually standing my ground and fighting back. The second part of my dream was about my mom--haven't had one of those in a long time.
I woke up that morning to a boxing session at 8am. This was my first "real workout" in at least a week. I had been walking all over downtown Portland, but that was nothing in comparison to my normal workouts. I was physically unprepared but even more so, mentally! Boxing is physical and mental. Combinations require you to be quick and sharp, or you get hit. I was all sorts of off! It was unnerving. For the rest of the week I went hard and was determined to get back on track! Tonight I sit here sore all over and tired. On top of that, I realized that I needed something to keep me anchored to my workouts for the summer. School will keep me extra busy during this last homestretch and I don't want to fall off course. So I signed up for my first half marathon in eight weeks. I'm going to break out of my comfort zone and train to run all 13.1 miles in Sonoma County this August.
This was a blunt reawakening. It's not just physical, it's mental. It's not just mental, it's emotional. It's not just me that's going thru this, it's all of us. And above all, I have a choice. A choice to be active or be inactive. A choice to live my life or let life happen to me.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Knowing You've Got ALL You Need
I was attending a funeral this morning...since my mom's passing I tend to have memories of what I can remember of being at her's. The memories bring up more emotions now then I had then. During her service I don't recall specific details because in some sense I was just going through the motions of the planned day. I recall breaking down at the cemetery, but all that led up to it I really can't pull out specific memories from it. That being said, I find myself being reminded of certain moments when I relive them in the present for at other people's.
During one of these moments, I realized that my weight loss was sparked by my mom's passing. Not in the sense that I was SO depressed so I didn't eat--for the record, I'm not one of those kind of people, if I am sad I tend to do just the opposite! I realized that many people have life events that become "Aha moments" for them to change. I shook my head in sadness at that thought. I wished that people could see the light sooner! Looking back, I realize that I have (and always have had) all the tools I needed to start and continue this journey, I just never utilized them. You would have thought that breaking a bench while trying on Ferragamo shoes in their boutique in Florence, Italy would have done that for me but it didn't. It came down to watching my mom battle and die from cancer that got me to act. How sad it had to come down to such an extreme circumstance. I know, I know....there's bright sides (many) to this. But just hear me out. I'm a glass half full kind of girl, so this post isn't about it being half empty.
Based on some experiences I had over the weekend I stood there (at this funeral) realizing that I never acted on this sooner because I always felt that I wasn't "good enough." I've been working on/up to putting this all together with other break throughs that I've had leading up to this. While there were outside contributors, I was the main epicenter for "I can't." After my mom's passing--and surviving that--I realized, on a small level at that point, that "I can." There have been a number of 'small' "I can" moments that have continued to build upon themselves until I was finally able to see that not only "I can" but "I am...I have."
It sounds so simple and yet we make it so complicated. People today still notice my change more then I do...and that should bug the heck out of me, but it doesn't. Because I realize that the change(s) that I have and am going through are more then external. I want this for life, not just for an event that I'd like to look nice at. I want to be healthy, happy, and living life to the fullest. That requires me to mentally, emotionally, and spiritually go places that I haven't. It requires me to make commitment to myself physically and to not beat myself up mentally/emotionally if I slip up every now and then.
What I have done--physically--to lose 110 lbs is nothing new or different that what I/we have always know to do to achieve these results. The most important key to it all though, was what I needed to bring to this mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. That requires much more than lifting any weight, running any amount of distance, or spinning for any length of time.
I have a had a lot of support through this from many people...but I always had that. My biggest "cheerleader" passed and that's who I always depended on to get me through "it" all. This gave me the opportunity to prove to myself that I had all that I needed to all along, for whatever I may encounter in life.
During one of these moments, I realized that my weight loss was sparked by my mom's passing. Not in the sense that I was SO depressed so I didn't eat--for the record, I'm not one of those kind of people, if I am sad I tend to do just the opposite! I realized that many people have life events that become "Aha moments" for them to change. I shook my head in sadness at that thought. I wished that people could see the light sooner! Looking back, I realize that I have (and always have had) all the tools I needed to start and continue this journey, I just never utilized them. You would have thought that breaking a bench while trying on Ferragamo shoes in their boutique in Florence, Italy would have done that for me but it didn't. It came down to watching my mom battle and die from cancer that got me to act. How sad it had to come down to such an extreme circumstance. I know, I know....there's bright sides (many) to this. But just hear me out. I'm a glass half full kind of girl, so this post isn't about it being half empty.
Based on some experiences I had over the weekend I stood there (at this funeral) realizing that I never acted on this sooner because I always felt that I wasn't "good enough." I've been working on/up to putting this all together with other break throughs that I've had leading up to this. While there were outside contributors, I was the main epicenter for "I can't." After my mom's passing--and surviving that--I realized, on a small level at that point, that "I can." There have been a number of 'small' "I can" moments that have continued to build upon themselves until I was finally able to see that not only "I can" but "I am...I have."
It sounds so simple and yet we make it so complicated. People today still notice my change more then I do...and that should bug the heck out of me, but it doesn't. Because I realize that the change(s) that I have and am going through are more then external. I want this for life, not just for an event that I'd like to look nice at. I want to be healthy, happy, and living life to the fullest. That requires me to mentally, emotionally, and spiritually go places that I haven't. It requires me to make commitment to myself physically and to not beat myself up mentally/emotionally if I slip up every now and then.
What I have done--physically--to lose 110 lbs is nothing new or different that what I/we have always know to do to achieve these results. The most important key to it all though, was what I needed to bring to this mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. That requires much more than lifting any weight, running any amount of distance, or spinning for any length of time.
I have a had a lot of support through this from many people...but I always had that. My biggest "cheerleader" passed and that's who I always depended on to get me through "it" all. This gave me the opportunity to prove to myself that I had all that I needed to all along, for whatever I may encounter in life.
Monday, March 19, 2012
My inner goddess
My inner goddess took a "nose dive" on me this weekend...I felt completely and utterly defeated, to the point where I almost threw my hands up and said "I'm done!" I'm not sure what the 'being done' with part would be, but I'm glad I didn't get that far in my thought.
I had a feeling coming on well before my weekend started that something was "up" with me, but with so much going on right now, I really couldn't pinpoint it! My over controlling personality was frustrated with that to say the least! Always wanting to be one step ahead of myself ready to deal with whatever may be wating ahead...nope, I oh so un-gracefully walked smack dab into a perverbial emotional 'brick wall'! As I was trying to get myself back up, dust myself off, and tend to my bruised parts I realized that all I thought I had dealt with wasn't.
Dealing with all that once more to truly rid myself of the bagagge was frightening to me. It's all stuff that I felt I had addressed and was done with. But I realized that putting in a box and away in the "junk closet/drawer" never to be open or seen again, isn't dealing with IT! It's just there looming and waiting to be handled (hopefully before the door busts open off its hindges). Facing and dealing with emotions fully and entirely is hard but not as hard as we make it to be. One of my favorite authors (Geneen Roth) addresses this point. Facing and dealing with our emotions completely is far more satisfying then only partially doing so and never really letting them go, carrying them with us holds us down/back for what we are really capable of doing with our lives. I'm tired of being held back...told I can't do something when I know damn well that I can and will.
So on Sunday when I realized what I needed to do I literally shivered and pulled my covers over my head. I feared that facing those that I hadn't would 'suck' me back into that person that I was then...timid, self conscious, false confidence, etc. I've come so far and don't want to go back to being that person. But when I finally got up and walked passed my mirror, I stopped and looked. I finally was able to see my new body...the smaller me, the soon to be me that I've longed and worked so long to be. I knew at that point, that to get through this last push of loss I needed to work on my internal to match my external. I still feel a bit of tightness in my chest in thinking about what I'm taking on...but it's more than a want, it's a need! I've gone through SO much more and worse to this point that I've survived...I know I've got to making it out to be worse in my head then it actually will be.
That all being said...I can start to see the glimmer of light at the end of my tunnel. Yesterday, I took my first step in finally and fully clearing out my "emotional junk closet" and the man who matters most in my life was patient and open with me in my lingering self conscious reservations that I had--mostly self inflicted. But I needed full on raw honesty from him and I gave that back to him in return; allowing to ask any questions/concerns he had of me...not skimming ther surface of our pasts where we had questions but really being honest about what happened. I immediately felt liberated of a part of my closet crap when we were done. And I felt it not after my questions to him were answered but after his questions of me were answered. I realized that it wasn't just a need I had lingering but he did too. Where my heart previously felt frigidly cold, he warmed it through from its core.
So, to wrap this all up (in a much prettier package than what it was for me) don't discount your past and just chalk it up to "it's in the past"...sometimes some of us really haven't dealt with it in its entirity and need to in order to move on with our lives. For those who struggle with weight, this may be the key to finding your success. The losing weight part is easy and quite scientific in reality. But we hold ourselves back from the success by not dealing with our baggage. I'm tired of dragging and want to run free! And with that, my inner goddess is back on her feet warming up with her usual sassy stretching routine--ready and raring to go!
I had a feeling coming on well before my weekend started that something was "up" with me, but with so much going on right now, I really couldn't pinpoint it! My over controlling personality was frustrated with that to say the least! Always wanting to be one step ahead of myself ready to deal with whatever may be wating ahead...nope, I oh so un-gracefully walked smack dab into a perverbial emotional 'brick wall'! As I was trying to get myself back up, dust myself off, and tend to my bruised parts I realized that all I thought I had dealt with wasn't.
Dealing with all that once more to truly rid myself of the bagagge was frightening to me. It's all stuff that I felt I had addressed and was done with. But I realized that putting in a box and away in the "junk closet/drawer" never to be open or seen again, isn't dealing with IT! It's just there looming and waiting to be handled (hopefully before the door busts open off its hindges). Facing and dealing with emotions fully and entirely is hard but not as hard as we make it to be. One of my favorite authors (Geneen Roth) addresses this point. Facing and dealing with our emotions completely is far more satisfying then only partially doing so and never really letting them go, carrying them with us holds us down/back for what we are really capable of doing with our lives. I'm tired of being held back...told I can't do something when I know damn well that I can and will.
So on Sunday when I realized what I needed to do I literally shivered and pulled my covers over my head. I feared that facing those that I hadn't would 'suck' me back into that person that I was then...timid, self conscious, false confidence, etc. I've come so far and don't want to go back to being that person. But when I finally got up and walked passed my mirror, I stopped and looked. I finally was able to see my new body...the smaller me, the soon to be me that I've longed and worked so long to be. I knew at that point, that to get through this last push of loss I needed to work on my internal to match my external. I still feel a bit of tightness in my chest in thinking about what I'm taking on...but it's more than a want, it's a need! I've gone through SO much more and worse to this point that I've survived...I know I've got to making it out to be worse in my head then it actually will be.
That all being said...I can start to see the glimmer of light at the end of my tunnel. Yesterday, I took my first step in finally and fully clearing out my "emotional junk closet" and the man who matters most in my life was patient and open with me in my lingering self conscious reservations that I had--mostly self inflicted. But I needed full on raw honesty from him and I gave that back to him in return; allowing to ask any questions/concerns he had of me...not skimming ther surface of our pasts where we had questions but really being honest about what happened. I immediately felt liberated of a part of my closet crap when we were done. And I felt it not after my questions to him were answered but after his questions of me were answered. I realized that it wasn't just a need I had lingering but he did too. Where my heart previously felt frigidly cold, he warmed it through from its core.
So, to wrap this all up (in a much prettier package than what it was for me) don't discount your past and just chalk it up to "it's in the past"...sometimes some of us really haven't dealt with it in its entirity and need to in order to move on with our lives. For those who struggle with weight, this may be the key to finding your success. The losing weight part is easy and quite scientific in reality. But we hold ourselves back from the success by not dealing with our baggage. I'm tired of dragging and want to run free! And with that, my inner goddess is back on her feet warming up with her usual sassy stretching routine--ready and raring to go!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Don't Forget to Say 'I love YOU'
So Fridays are my weigh-in days; I've been working hard and staying diligent to my healthy goals plan but the scale showed a 0.2 lb loss, which was disheartening. I've been working so hard and it didn't reflect on the scale. Instead of throwing in the towel and giving up on myself I spent most of my meeting reviewing the past week in my head. I felt like I did my best, but apparently there were areas I could do better. I'm so close to my 100 lbs lost mark--it's within reach--that when I don't have a 1 lb+ loss, I'm beating myself up over it.
As I continued thinking about all of this something else came to mind for me. I know I'm loved...by many great people, for which I'm VERY GRATEFUL for! But I've been told 'I love you' more by others than I have every told myself that. I've said it more (and meant it) to others more than I have ever said it to myself. If I wasn't in public at that moment, I probably would have burst into tears. How can I have so much love to give and not give any to myself? Now, I'm sure many of you may be thinking 'but what about your workouts and time you've spent on yourself taking better care?' And to that I say, but most of that has been about developing new healthier habits....it's been establishing a new routine...and there have been a lot of break thrus and 'aha' moments, but none like this one today. My studio is a living vision board; my white walls are covered with motivational sayings/phrases, pictures, etc. But I've never taken the time to give love to myself. I have looked for love from others (and got it in some cases) but never took the time to look for love from myself--let alone give love to myself.
So if you get anything from this and do just one thing for yourself today, tell (or remind) yourself how much you love you. It sounds silly but our actions often speak to this point--especially for many like me who have struggled with weight and self-image issues their whole life. It's not about the number on the scale or your waistband that fulfills you...it’s not the calories or points that will sustainably fulfill you...it’s not the love from others that will fulfill you....it's the love you have for yourself!
As I continued thinking about all of this something else came to mind for me. I know I'm loved...by many great people, for which I'm VERY GRATEFUL for! But I've been told 'I love you' more by others than I have every told myself that. I've said it more (and meant it) to others more than I have ever said it to myself. If I wasn't in public at that moment, I probably would have burst into tears. How can I have so much love to give and not give any to myself? Now, I'm sure many of you may be thinking 'but what about your workouts and time you've spent on yourself taking better care?' And to that I say, but most of that has been about developing new healthier habits....it's been establishing a new routine...and there have been a lot of break thrus and 'aha' moments, but none like this one today. My studio is a living vision board; my white walls are covered with motivational sayings/phrases, pictures, etc. But I've never taken the time to give love to myself. I have looked for love from others (and got it in some cases) but never took the time to look for love from myself--let alone give love to myself.
So if you get anything from this and do just one thing for yourself today, tell (or remind) yourself how much you love you. It sounds silly but our actions often speak to this point--especially for many like me who have struggled with weight and self-image issues their whole life. It's not about the number on the scale or your waistband that fulfills you...it’s not the calories or points that will sustainably fulfill you...it’s not the love from others that will fulfill you....it's the love you have for yourself!
Monday, January 30, 2012
You deserve it!
Once upon a time the human body was a work of art…now a days, it’s an ongoing work in progress. It’s been like this for a while and there are plenty every day products that contribute to this—cover up/make up (to conceal “imperfections”, panty hose, shape wear, hair dye to cover greys, etc. I’m not saying that these are bad products, but the subliminal messages that they send us are! We’ve all used them without thinking twice about it—myself as well and it wasn’t until a few days ago when I realized all this.
If you follow my blog you know that it was a recent revelation that I had in regards to my worth. I didn’t think about how much I devalued myself, for so long, and to such deep extent! These products (and many others just added to this!). My mindset was that I wasn’t worth it. Think about…I couldn’t take compliments from people even if from the outside (to everyone else) I was obviously deserving of it. I would reward myself with anything; I thought bad things happen because I deserve it and most of what I focused on was the bad therefore why would I see that I deserved anything good?!? I had crappy relationships because I didn’t deserve a good one. We are guilty of it even with food---did I work out enough to deserve this truffle? Was I lazy so I deserve a boring, minimal, or no meal at all? Even with workouts….I’ll get a loss on the scale if I deserve it. No, you’ll get a loss on the scale for scientific purposes (less calories in and more calories out) not because you deserve it (or not)! I could spend a whole blog on this but who wants to read that—depressing?!
My point tonight is that we deserve better! Why are we hiding who we really are from the world? Why are we hiding who we really are from ourselves—if we don’t want to hang out with us, why would anyone else? You are the most important person in that equation anyways—your OWN opinion counts more than anyone else’s!
I’m writing about this because I hope someone who feels the same way I once did can have their “aha” moment sooner than I did. No one should have to go through life thinking that they aren’t worthy. You are here, on this earth, living a life that was a gift to you, reading this blog (your ability to do so reflects so many blessings), you have something that none of us have….so know that you deserve what you want in life—whether that’s a promotion at work, a new outfit, a compliment, a baby, etc….YOU DESERVE THE BEST IN YOUR LIFE, ACCEPT IT, AND SHOW YOUR GRATITUDE FOR IT!
"To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did" When God takes something from your grasp. He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence. "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."
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