It's Not All About the Numbers...

Not About the Numbers...
I know this and yet often find myself getting wrapped up--drowning really is more like it--in the numbers that surround my health. It's kinda hard not to when you have doctors, the media, weightloss programs, commercials, magazines, trainers, etc ALL focused on your numbers too!!
Don't get me wrong, they are great forms of measurement and tools to guide you towards a healthy(ier). But it's not good when that becomes your one main focus and measurement of your "success".

I recently realized the source of my frustration, in regards to continuing "down" (pun intended) my healthy path, stemmed from spending day in/out getting on a scale, taking m measurements, my calorie burn, my heart rate, pace time, etc. this wasn't fun, enjoyable or a source of pleasure for me anymore. It got down rich depressing. To the point where I could hear "I give up" echoing in my head--not uttered, but certainly internally heard. Which awakened me to realize that something wasn't right and it had nothing to do with my calories in vs calories out.   My old self would have "drowned" in my frustrations probably said "I can't" and just settled on the weight I'm at. "Hey, shedding 130 lbs is commendable...you did good... Now 'take your ball and go home....no more weight is coming off, this must be your 'ideal' weight." Heard it? Said it? Thought it? Ya, me too--in my past! But I'm not letting myself off like that. To me that is quitting. That is copping out. That is giving up on THE most important person--myself!  And if I give up on me, why not others--my boss, friends, etc?

I say all that to say this. Achieving and living a healthy lifestyle is NOT about the numbers, it's about how you feel. Are you happy, bloated (don't laugh you know you've been there), stressed, content, looking to change, looking to better manage your life, feel out of control, or looking to find physical/emotional/mental peace?  Those--one or all--are not centered around the numbers but feeling. We are often 'running' through life so quickly that we don't feel much throughout our lives unless it's something huge--a wedding, a funeral, a loss of job, a new baby, etc.   We end up missing out on so much by not finding our "pace" in this world.

I'm going to close with a bit of my own healthy tidbits....
  1) FOCUS: what is it that really makes you FEEL like you are really alive...focus on YOU.  What makes you happy, what do you do that you truly enjoy no matter what, what do you always look forward to doing, etc?
  2) BREATHE: most of us normally have a shallow breath because we are always go go go!  Runners know how important and imperative proper/good breathing is for running--especially long distance.  Not advocating that running is for everyone. But the lessons of proper breathing are.  You will tend to feel more at ease and relaxed which helps your overall feeling.
  3) FUEL: in this case "fuel" = food.  Not just any food, food that makes your BODY FEEL GOOD.  Notice that I did not say makes you feel good...that tends to make people emotionally eat.  That's just the opposite of what I'm encouraging.  We are already doing that. Drink water because it naturally cleans and flushes out your system. Eat fruits/vegetables because they nourish you and provide your body with natural vitamins and minerals that help fight off illnesses.
  4) REFLECT: you've done a lot already, up to this point. Remember that and be grateful for how far you've already come!  Keeping your sole focus on what's ahead is good but remember how far you've come as well.

Lessons Learned (and now shared)

I have to admit it makes my “blood boil” a bit when people approach me, say they want to change, and then cop out at the first sign of struggle.  Or they complain that nothing is changing when in reality they aren't making changes in order to impact change.  And then there are those who act like what I've done--shed 130+ lbs.--was as easy as a walk in the park.  Well, for some, a walk in the park or anywhere else IS NOT easy!

It's about perspective people; and NOT EVERYDAY OF THIS IS GOING TO BE PERFECT…wait, did you get that...because it’s important.  NOT EVERYDAY OF THIS JOURNEY WILL BE PERFECT, heck not even every moment will!  So stop setting that expectation and you’ll start to see more success.  Now, keep in mind that your definition and my definition of success probably differ.  But the intentions remain the same. 

Let me make something quite clear; I had a choice at the beginning of this journey.  I'd lost my mom (I was 25, she was 60), I'd lost my grandmother two weeks after losing my mom, and before these two major life occurrences I'd lost my job.  Please tell me what at that point in my life made beginning this journey EASY or PERFECT?    To top it all off, it was the heart of the US recession so financially, economically, etc. life was hard.  I'm not one of those people who was always skinny or used to be the star athlete but just “fell off track” one day and gained a bunch of weight.  I was that kid who was always bigger than the other girls (and in some cases guys) who battled this day in and day out and only made it harder on myself as the years went on.

So, without much money in my pocket, two matriarchs of my family now physically gone in my life, and nothing to really keep my life “normal” I started over.  Just like we naturally do each morning, each week, each month of our ever day lives.  The difference this time, everything that I knew as normal was no longer and I had to redefine my “new normal.”  This isn’t a “fad” journey for us to take—it’s real life.  So we need to stop being unrealistic in our attempts to live a healthy lifestyle.  It’s not about the new gadget you buy, the latest workout regimen you try, or the food programs you go on.  Oh and don’t even go there—it’s definitely NOT in some pill!   It may sound corny as heck, but the truth of the matter is, all you need to be successful in living a healthy life is you in a right frame of mind.  Wait, that’s another important part, did you get it?  ALL YOU NEED TO BE SUCCESSFUL IN LIVING A HEALTHY LIFE IS YOU IN A RIGHT FRAME OF MIND. 

My story isn’t your story, so while my story may inspire don’t try and relive it.  As much as I appreciate my story, I wouldn’t go back and relive it and it’s mine!  Really stop and think/reflect about what your definition of a “successful” healthy lifestyle is and then take the time to plan for that success!  This isn’t complicated people, BUT it does require TIME—remember that too, this REQUIRES TIME.  Quality time at that!  We are so caught up in everything and everyone else that we often neglect ourselves; which leads us to our unhealthy life and habits.  I’m just as guilty of this as the next person, so I’m not taking a “holier than thou” stance here.  Life is going to to keep on happening, so planning can only go so far.  But it's the skills you develop in learning to plan ahead that help get you through the more challenging times. 

So here are my tips towards success:

1) This isn’t easy, so stop expecting it to be

2) There’s going to be a lot of imperfect moments, so just accept that

3) It’s not the tools that make you successful in this process, it’s YOU

4) Success towards living a healthy life requires TIME and planning

5) If you give up, you are GIVING UP ON YOU—something to keep in mind

This is coming from someone who’s lived to tell about it J and strives to help other’s do so as well on a daily basis.

Got Goals?

Goal Set, Goal Achieved--My First Half Marathon

I still can't believe that what I was training for the last 12 weeks has come and gone already!  This past Sunday I ran in my first Half Marathon--Water to Wine, 13.1 miles from lake Sonoma to Alderbrook Winery.  My goal, half jokingly and half serious, was to cross the finish line with out passing out or puking.  I'm happy to report that I did neither of those.  Additionally, after checking the weather report that day, another goal was to finish in under three hours.  I knew, because of the area, that I'd have cooler/overcast weather for the first part of the race but it would burn off and the sun would come out in full force--especially in the month of August!  Again, happy to report, that I completed my race in 2 hours 36 mins!

How'd I get to this point, you may ask?  Well, if you want the whole story there was an article recently published (or you can read my blog) to get the history.  But I also had some heart-to-heart conversations with some people in my life.  The first being my boyfriend.  He's been there from the start with me on my journey, I value his opinion.  The next being my friend/classmate who ran her first half in May of this year.  She encouraged and inspired me to go out of my comfort zone of 5Ks and run further--she saw my potential before I did!  The third person being my friend/trainer--I wanted a "professional" opinion on my physical ability and he was it.  But the decision still came down to me.  They could advise all they wanted but I had to be the one to make the decision, put in the dedication/time to train, and run the race.  I did all of the above!

It wasn't easy but at the same time, it wasn't hard; and when I say that, I'm referring to ALL of it!  I had less then the recommended time for training for a half marathon--minimum is 13 weeks and I had 10.  Then I got sick for two of the weeks during my training--one put me in the hospital twice!  But I refused to give up, even after the second time of getting sick.  I had the end of my Masters program to contend with my time as well as work and keeping up with my training.  While I continued to increase my PR for total miles run at one time, it really didn't hit me that I COULD do this until the week before.  I was packed and ready to head up to Northern California for my Master's Program final retreat to complete our program.  Before I could get in the car and go though, I had to get my last long run in before my race day.  I had to run 10 miles--double digits!  It was early, I was tired, I had plenty of things running through my mind, but I knew I had to get this run under my belt!  I just concentrated on one mile at a time, before I knew it I was half way done and heading back towards home.  It was a Sunday morning and early enough that the streets weren't crowded yet with cars or people.  It was quite nice actually, and relaxing.  I had to coach myself through the end though.  The last miles--9 and 10--were hard, I'd never run that far before.  But I was so happy when I did! Somehow hitting double digits convinced me that I could do 13.1!

I was up early--4am--the morning of the race.  I got up, ate breakfast, turned on the news/Olympics and the men's full marathon was on, how appropriate and inspiring!  I had set out my clothes the night before and packed my post-race bag.  I had no jitters, I was quite Zen to be honest.  My friend may say otherwise b/c I was probably chatty when we were riding out to the start.  Still though, no nerves.  One last "pit stop" before we started, a pre race pic, and then warm up (looking around I noticed that these were some serious runners, they were there for business...not a lot of first timers from what I could see).  Before I knew it, the announcer was counting down for the start!  Off we went!  It was a BEAUTIFUL course/route!  One of the first places we came up on was Ferrari Winery which had not only a gorgeous landscape full of vineyards but an AMAZING home in the middle of it all!  Some people stopped to take pictures, but not me, that wasn't my purpose or goal of running this.  I had to remind myself all along to keep to MY pace and not get caught up by the runners around me--easier said then done, I'd been pacing at just over a 12 min/mile in training.  I had a lot of time to myself along the 13.1 mile route to the finish.  I prayed--I'm very grateful for all that I'd not only survived but thrived thus far.  I met some inspiring people along the way and a few who like my CamelBak which I had decorated with some running inspiration for the few people who may be behind me :)  I heard my Mom's voice around mile 12 to encourage me to keep going and how proud she was of me.  I heard my friend/trainer's voice through the rolling hills of miles 4-10.  I saw my friend/classmate run up next to me and check in, then continue at her pace and run ahead of me (another point where I had to remind myself that I had to keep to MY pace).  Somewhere along that point I got a little choked up, but when I realized that it threw off my breathing I quickly got myself together...crying wasn't going to take me out of this race!  Then at mile 13, when my song list ran out (how ironic/appropriate, huh?) I ran it out to the sound of feet hitting the pavement/dirt and voices cheering at the finish area up ahead.  Just as I turned the last corner towards the finish I saw my friend/classmate on my left--she said she found my friend who drove up the morning of the race to come cheer me on (I asked her to be my race day 'maid of honor', and lucky me she accepted!).  Then my friend/classmate's mom came up on my right encouraging and cheering me on.  As I looked up I could hear my friend who I had asked to come, she's little in stature but big in presence!  I could hear her cheering and see the sign(s) she made for me!  It was a perfect end to my 13 mile journey!  She got me, I started to cry...it all hit me, but then I saw the actual finish, pulled myself together and gave whatever sprint I had left in me!

The short finish line had me almost run into the gate b/c I felt like I couldn't stop myself.  But I got my medal and continued out.  First thing, I wanted ICE!  My hip flexers ached from all those hills!  Then I wanted water, I needed to cool down and that was going to do it!  I got my post race goodies and sat down the first place I could find!  My friends found me and sat with me.  I realized that I needed to get some food at that point so I ached my way up to find the food, then back down once I was done.  I was still on such a 'high' through out the rest of that day.  I did eventually lay down that afternoon with IcyHot patches on my knees.  But it never really emotionally hit me until today when I went out for a walk.  All of a sudden with music playing in my ears, walking down my hill, I lost it...tears just began to fall.  I had DONE IT!  Not only that, I didn't pass out or puke at the finish (even went out to lunch after) and I finished in well under the three hours that I set as my goal--2 hour 36 min w/an 11:55 min.mile pace, better then my PR!  I let them fall.  I've shared my successes and stories with people b/c I want to share that feeling with those who helped get me to those points!  The feeling is WONDERFUL!!  It doesn't matter if how I got there was good, bad, ugly, etc.! Each person and experienced happened and helped me to achieve what I set out to do.  The messy or hard ones only made me a stronger and more determined person.  The 'good' ones helped carry me through the hard times when I felt down on myself.  I wouldn't have accomplished what I set out to do if it hadn't been for those "smaller" experiences along the way!

So my posts or sharing of said accomplishments is my way of saying THANK YOU and SHARING in the spirit and excitement of the feeling in accomplishing my goal(s)!

THANK YOU for helping take this girl from taking one step after another by walking to a woman who has run a half marathon!

My life is a Story

I often can't believe how much has happened in the last four years...by on the upcoming anniversary of my mom's passing I experienced something that was a great reminder!  Below is the link for my first ever featured story...I've never done this.  The experience alone was a lesson learned.  But the story that Martin wrote about me even amazed me!  I didn't really know I had "a story" until someone approached me about it.  I'm honored, grateful and blessed!  Thank you for all your continued support!

http://sanbruno.patch.com/articles/overcoming-hardships-and-obesity-san-bruno-woman-loses-120-pounds

I'm back...

...back from Portland and all my other mini travels this past month. 
...back to my workout regimen, even more so now since I'm in training mode (more on that later).
....back to living solo since my "other half" is back to work on the other side of the country (I know my complaining here should be minimal as there are many who have significant others deployed).
....back to having dreams with my mom in them (haven't had those for a long time).
...back to the regimen of school as I close my last course and begin (officially) my thesis paper writing to complete my program and achieve my Masters degree.

Well let's start here....I returned back from Portland on Monday evening (of course much later than originally expected due to fog at SFO).  Exhaustion set in quickly and I was nearly snoring at the dinner table.  That night I slept hard and deep and by myself.  He got on a plane to go back to the EC the same day as I left to go to Portland; it didn't hit me until I got off the plane in SFO fr Portland that he was really gone.  It's still hard, we work well, we both do well separately but we are SO much better together--physically.  So exhaustion was a blessing that night being that it was my first night sleeping alone again.  That night I had vivid dreams--upon first reflection, I thought they were nightmares.  My first part of the dream was me fighting for my life, pretty physically too.  Usually I'm running from being attacked, I can't recall ever actually standing my ground and fighting back.  The second part of my dream was about my mom--haven't had one of those in a long time.

I woke up that morning to a boxing session at 8am.  This was my first "real workout" in at least a week.  I had been walking all over downtown Portland, but that was nothing in comparison to my normal workouts.  I was physically unprepared but even more so, mentally!  Boxing is physical and mental.  Combinations require you to be quick and sharp, or you get hit.  I was all sorts of off!  It was unnerving.  For the rest of the week I went hard and was determined to get back on track!  Tonight I sit here sore all over and tired.  On top of that, I realized that I needed something to keep me anchored to my workouts for the summer.  School will keep me extra busy during this last homestretch and I don't want to fall off course.  So I signed up for my first half marathon in eight weeks.  I'm going to break out of my comfort zone and train to run all 13.1 miles in Sonoma County this August.

This was a blunt reawakening.  It's not just physical, it's mental.  It's not just mental, it's emotional.  It's not just me that's going thru this, it's all of us.  And above all, I have a choice.  A choice to be active or be inactive.  A choice to live my life or let life happen to me. 

Knowing You've Got ALL You Need

I was attending a funeral this morning...since my mom's passing I tend to have memories of what I can remember of being at her's.  The memories bring up more emotions now then I had then.  During her service I don't recall specific details because in some sense I was just going through the motions of the planned day.  I recall breaking down at the cemetery, but all that led up to it I really can't pull out specific memories from it.  That being said, I find myself being reminded of certain moments when I relive them in the present for at other people's.

During one of these moments, I realized that my weight loss was sparked by my mom's passing.  Not in the sense that I was SO depressed so I didn't eat--for the record, I'm not one of those kind of people, if I am sad I tend to do just the opposite!  I realized that many people have life events that become "Aha moments" for them to change.  I shook my head in sadness at that thought.  I wished that people could see the light sooner!  Looking back, I realize that I have (and always have had) all the tools I needed to start and continue this journey, I just never utilized them.  You would have thought that breaking a bench while trying on Ferragamo shoes in their boutique in Florence, Italy would have done that for me but it didn't.  It came down to watching my mom battle and die from cancer that got me to act.  How sad it had to come down to such an extreme circumstance.  I know, I know....there's bright sides (many) to this.  But just hear me out.  I'm a glass half full kind of girl, so this post isn't about it being half empty.

Based on some experiences I had over the weekend I stood there (at this funeral) realizing that I never acted on this sooner because I always felt that I wasn't "good enough."  I've been working on/up to putting this all together with other break throughs that I've had leading up to this.  While there were outside contributors, I was the main epicenter for "I can't."  After my mom's passing--and surviving that--I realized, on a small level at that point, that "I can."  There have been a number of 'small' "I can" moments that have continued to build upon themselves until I was finally able to see that not only "I can" but "I am...I have." 

It sounds so simple and yet we make it so complicated.  People today still notice my change more then I do...and that should bug the heck out of me, but it doesn't.  Because I realize that the change(s) that I have and am going through are more then external.  I want this for life, not just for an event that I'd like to look nice at.  I want to be healthy, happy, and living life to the fullest.  That requires me to mentally, emotionally, and spiritually go places that I haven't.  It requires me to make commitment to myself physically and to not beat myself up mentally/emotionally if I slip up every now and then. 

What I have done--physically--to lose 110 lbs is nothing new or different that what I/we have always know to do to achieve these results.  The most important key to it all though, was what I needed to bring to this mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  That requires much more than lifting any weight, running any amount of distance, or spinning for any length of time.

I have a had a lot of support through this from many people...but I always had that.  My biggest "cheerleader" passed and that's who I always depended on to get me through "it" all.  This gave me the opportunity to prove to myself that I had all that I needed to all along, for whatever I may encounter in life.

My inner goddess

My inner goddess took a "nose dive" on me this weekend...I felt completely and utterly defeated, to the point where I almost threw my hands up and said "I'm done!"  I'm not sure what the 'being done' with part would be, but I'm glad I didn't get that far in my thought.

I had a feeling coming on well before my weekend started that something was "up" with me, but with so much going on right now, I really couldn't pinpoint it!  My over controlling personality was frustrated with that to say the least!  Always wanting to be one step ahead of myself ready to deal with whatever may be wating ahead...nope, I oh so un-gracefully walked smack dab into a perverbial emotional 'brick wall'!  As I was trying to get myself back up, dust myself off, and tend to my bruised parts I realized that all I thought I had dealt with wasn't. 

Dealing with all that once more to truly rid myself of the bagagge was frightening to me.  It's all stuff that I felt I had addressed and was done with.  But I realized that putting in a box and away in the "junk closet/drawer" never to be open or seen again, isn't dealing with IT!  It's just there looming and waiting to be handled (hopefully before the door busts open off its hindges).  Facing and dealing with emotions fully and entirely is hard but not as hard as we make it to be.  One of my favorite authors (Geneen Roth) addresses this point.  Facing and dealing with our emotions completely is far more satisfying then only partially doing so and never really letting them go, carrying them with us holds us down/back for what we are really capable of doing with our lives.  I'm tired of being held back...told I can't do something when I know damn well that I can and will. 

So on Sunday when I realized what I needed to do I literally shivered and pulled my covers over my head.  I feared that facing those that I hadn't would 'suck' me back into that person that I was then...timid, self conscious, false confidence, etc.  I've come so far and don't want to go back to being that person.  But when I finally got up and walked passed my mirror, I stopped and looked.  I finally was able to see my new body...the smaller me, the soon to be me that I've longed and worked so long to be.  I knew at that point, that to get through this last push of loss I needed to work on my internal to match my external.  I still feel a bit of tightness in my chest in thinking about what I'm taking on...but it's more than a want, it's a need!  I've gone through SO much more and worse to this point that I've survived...I know I've got to making it out to be worse in my head then it actually will be.

That all being said...I can start to see the glimmer of light at the end of my tunnel.  Yesterday, I took my first step in finally and fully clearing out my "emotional junk closet" and the man who matters most in my life was patient and open with me in my lingering self conscious reservations that I had--mostly self inflicted.  But I needed full on raw honesty from him and I gave that back to him in return; allowing to ask any questions/concerns he had of me...not skimming ther surface of our pasts where we had questions but really being honest about what happened.  I immediately felt liberated of a part of my closet crap when we were done.  And I felt it not after my questions to him were answered but after his questions of me were answered.  I realized that it wasn't just a need I had lingering but he did too.  Where my heart previously felt frigidly cold, he warmed it through from its core. 

So, to wrap this all up (in a much prettier package than what it was for me) don't discount your past and just chalk it up to "it's in the past"...sometimes some of us really haven't dealt with it in its entirity and need to in order to move on with our lives. For those who struggle with weight, this may be the key to finding your success.  The losing weight part is easy and quite scientific in reality.  But we hold ourselves back from the success by not dealing with our baggage.  I'm tired of dragging and want to run free!  And with that, my inner goddess is back on her feet warming up with her usual sassy stretching routine--ready and raring to go!