This process/transition of change can seem quite daunting and unbearbale to us at times. There's not enough time, it's not the right not, etc. Truth is that when that change is happening it's always the right time. I'm guilty of always saying this and of saying that I'm someone who doesn't/didn't change much because I didn't like it. But that's false--it's part of nature to always be changing and eveolving whether we are conscious of it or not.
I was defeinitely conscious of it yesterday and most of this past week! I started off the week aware of the shift that was going on and trying to work with it--I was already exhausted from a long weekend of school and I don't get holidays off as I am self employed, so Monday was no break for me. I would have much rather been out taking the day of service than working inside. When I did get out that day it was to take a walk, I needed it and was determined to get out and do it! Because of the weather, I took my walk indoors and I cried on part of it as well, but I did it! It was nothing spectacular for time or distance it just got me moving! I'd like to say that it go better from there but I had some struggles the rest of that evening as well. Change can be overwhelming if we let it be.
My struggle yesterday got to me and I let it. I had to be talked off the perverbial emotional ledge. The key for me to keep it in control is to reflect and write about it (hence my pressence here). Some see this as a weakness but I see it as being transparent--open and honest about life. I have been since I realized just how precious a gift life is after watching my mom pass away. Yes, if you are a regualr reader then you've heard me talk about her before, but I've gotten over the idea that I'm supposed to forget that it happened. I've grown since it happened, I've even started to see the bright light at the end of the grieving tunnel. But I know that I will always remember it because of the impact she and that experience had on my life. I may not physically have my mom here but I carry her spirit with me where ever I go and in whatever I do. I feel her presence when I need it most and where I least expect it. I realized this weekend that I'm letting go of the blame I put on myself with her passing. When I heard her say cancer I thought death--I admit it. But when she found it she was more sick than I knew and she put up one hell of a fight and I'm proud of her for that! I let go of the blame on myself becasue I realize that there's nothing that I did or could have done to bring that on her, me or my family. Life is just life and none of us control that. Before you jump down my throat for that last comment, hear me out.
I believe and live in the idea that we attract what we put out--that meaning if you are negative you attract negative and if you are positive you attract positive. But none of us are God and we don't get a say in who gets (or doesn't get) a terminal illness. Doctors can do all they can to try and save their patients but there is a limit (at least at this point) in what they can do. I'm grateful for the oncologist my mom had because he treated her as an individual and not like every other patient who walked through his door. I recall fondly our times in his office for her chemo treatments becasue they were four hours of quality time together.
Back to my original point. I lost sight of my positive mentality this week because of all the change going on internally. I recognize that now and appreciate those who helped me get to this point of realization. Their patience, kindness and honesty make me a better person. They show true love through their actions not just words and that means more than anything--that is a greater gift then any you could buy and wrap up to give!
My only words of wisdom here for those who feel like they too are going thru a change is to surround yourself with those kinds of people in your life. But don't forget to take time out for yourself. Love yourself as much as they do--that's a priority! Know that you deserve the best because of who you are right now and not who you will be! Take some "hermitt" time as I call it--in all the fullness of my schedule the last 6 months, I lacked the balance of my "me time" which contributed to my emotional breakdown.
Healthy and Happy Chinese New Year!
Monday, January 23, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Break Thru
I guess I shouldn't be surprised--even after 90 lbs down--I still have these "aha" moments (has Oprah trademarked that yet, sorry if she did). This one I had when I least suspected it--again, I don't think I should have been surprised by that either.
I was in class this weekend and we were in the middle of a discussion regarding an activity we had just done. A classmate of mine (who also happens to be one of my best friends) made a comment, indirectly in response to mine. She said something along the lines of it had to do with the way she was raised and that she was raised to know that she was worth/deserving of the best (I don't want to put words in her mouth but that's what I comprehended it as). It wasn't a malicious or egotistical statement on her part at all. It made a lot of sense actually--our parent(s) want the best for us and do their best to instill that way of thinking in us. It establishes a sense of self worth. Initially I thought to myself--well my parents didn't teach me to not think that I wasn't worthy....but then I stopped. My reaction wasn't about whether or not my parents didn't raise me well--they did a great job. But at some point I got wrapped up into my own thoughts/views of myself and I began to think that I wasn't deserving. I thought/felt I wasn't deserving because of my weight. Looking back I know I was a healthy weight and just a tall kid (which is why I physically "stuck out") but then I saw being a "big kid" = being a fat kid. Which, as a teenager, grew into "I'm fat, so I don't deserve to have a boyfriend." This continued through my college years and (I recently realized) into my young adult years. My "I'm fat = I don't deserve" haunted me until Sunday when my friend made her comment and I had my epiphany. I was instantly taken back to these moments when I couldn't understand why I didn't get something that I thought I deserved and I realized that it was because I developed the mindset of "I don't deserve it because I'm fat."
WRONG! You (and I) deserve anything that you/I rightly work to earn--whether that's a compliment, a raise, a new car, a weight loss, etc. I now understand why I never take compliments, b/c I never thought I deserved them. I now understand why I absorbed and held onto all the negative in my life--b/c I thought I deserved it.
This is coming from a woman who's always (I think so) stood confidently in her beliefs, values, and individuality. But what I realized that day was that it wasn't my parent's fault or wrong doing and that I deserve anything that I rightfully and honestly strive for!
I had more "ahas" that day as we followed that discussion up with a guided meditation--I realized that I have a whole "junk drawer/closet" of things I need to address/face still. It's those things that we put aside and say that we'll get to it later. Then later comes and goes and it all begins to pile up, we stick it somewhere that's around but out of sight. I know that I carry stuff about my mom's passing still, about my childhood, about jobs I've had/lost/never had, about a lot of things. Just when you think you've cleaned up you remember that proverbial junk drawer--well now is the time to either deal with it or continue to carry the burden. That day I decided to start to deal with it. Create the keep, dump, donate piles and move up and on with life--my life!
I post this here b/c we need to realize that those items weigh more than we think. They add on LBS just like a pint of Ben & Jerry's can. In fact, more often than not, they are the reason we turn to Ben & Jerry instead of the issue itself. I'm not advising you take on the whole drawer today--but open it, take a good look at it, and decide what you will pull out to work on first. It will make a HUGE difference.
I was in class this weekend and we were in the middle of a discussion regarding an activity we had just done. A classmate of mine (who also happens to be one of my best friends) made a comment, indirectly in response to mine. She said something along the lines of it had to do with the way she was raised and that she was raised to know that she was worth/deserving of the best (I don't want to put words in her mouth but that's what I comprehended it as). It wasn't a malicious or egotistical statement on her part at all. It made a lot of sense actually--our parent(s) want the best for us and do their best to instill that way of thinking in us. It establishes a sense of self worth. Initially I thought to myself--well my parents didn't teach me to not think that I wasn't worthy....but then I stopped. My reaction wasn't about whether or not my parents didn't raise me well--they did a great job. But at some point I got wrapped up into my own thoughts/views of myself and I began to think that I wasn't deserving. I thought/felt I wasn't deserving because of my weight. Looking back I know I was a healthy weight and just a tall kid (which is why I physically "stuck out") but then I saw being a "big kid" = being a fat kid. Which, as a teenager, grew into "I'm fat, so I don't deserve to have a boyfriend." This continued through my college years and (I recently realized) into my young adult years. My "I'm fat = I don't deserve" haunted me until Sunday when my friend made her comment and I had my epiphany. I was instantly taken back to these moments when I couldn't understand why I didn't get something that I thought I deserved and I realized that it was because I developed the mindset of "I don't deserve it because I'm fat."
WRONG! You (and I) deserve anything that you/I rightly work to earn--whether that's a compliment, a raise, a new car, a weight loss, etc. I now understand why I never take compliments, b/c I never thought I deserved them. I now understand why I absorbed and held onto all the negative in my life--b/c I thought I deserved it.
This is coming from a woman who's always (I think so) stood confidently in her beliefs, values, and individuality. But what I realized that day was that it wasn't my parent's fault or wrong doing and that I deserve anything that I rightfully and honestly strive for!
I had more "ahas" that day as we followed that discussion up with a guided meditation--I realized that I have a whole "junk drawer/closet" of things I need to address/face still. It's those things that we put aside and say that we'll get to it later. Then later comes and goes and it all begins to pile up, we stick it somewhere that's around but out of sight. I know that I carry stuff about my mom's passing still, about my childhood, about jobs I've had/lost/never had, about a lot of things. Just when you think you've cleaned up you remember that proverbial junk drawer--well now is the time to either deal with it or continue to carry the burden. That day I decided to start to deal with it. Create the keep, dump, donate piles and move up and on with life--my life!
I post this here b/c we need to realize that those items weigh more than we think. They add on LBS just like a pint of Ben & Jerry's can. In fact, more often than not, they are the reason we turn to Ben & Jerry instead of the issue itself. I'm not advising you take on the whole drawer today--but open it, take a good look at it, and decide what you will pull out to work on first. It will make a HUGE difference.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Your Daily Dose of Gratitude
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXDMoiEkyuQ&sns=fb
I can't put into words what I got from watching this, just know the feeling and know that it was meant to be shared. It's a bit lengthy in comparisson to most online videos but it well worth your time!
Thank you!
I can't put into words what I got from watching this, just know the feeling and know that it was meant to be shared. It's a bit lengthy in comparisson to most online videos but it well worth your time!
Thank you!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
My 2011 Obituary
I write this, not in a morbid sense, but in an honest effort to put my past behind and embrace the 2012 with open arms!
It was while on a walk that I thought about this. Why we use the new year to do this and don't do it on an as need basis, I haven't quite figured out....So here I go, my 2011 obituary.
It was while on a walk that I thought about this. Why we use the new year to do this and don't do it on an as need basis, I haven't quite figured out....So here I go, my 2011 obituary.
This year was a year of learning--not just in an academic sense but all encompasing. Not to sound cliche, but it was a year of ups and downs. A year of blessing, triumphs, hardships, sadness, and failure--all which led to a better version of myself.
Above all, this has been a year of growth and that's how I will always remember it. Not for the loss of a loved one, the loss of 45 more lbs, the failures academically, the nuptuals of my best friends, the engagement of another, the official purchase of my first car, the accident which led me to that, and so on....
This year will here lie, always and forever, as the year of growth.
2012, I look forward to the new adventures you have in store for me. Tonight I lay to rest 2011, to wake up to not only a new day but a new year. We get the opporunity but once a year. Take advantage of it--wake up refreshed, not hung over. Make promises/committments to yourself, not resolutions (which tend to fizzle out before the end of the first month). Allow yourself to look ahead at the possibilities not behind to what you cannot change. Be open to what the universe has in store for you, not close hearted.
Happy 2012--New Year, New YOU!
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Don't miss 2012
Sitting here at the airport during the holiday season reminds me of time passing. People hurry along and in here that seems like that's all that happens. But when you stop hurrying yourself and observe your surroundings, you'll notice a lot more--a mother seeing her son off to deployment, a child on its first trip, a mourning soul in town for family, business people trying to jumpstart our economy, a young couple taking that next step....
Life happens here. The lighting and walls may not change much but a lot of change happens here. If you just stop to take a look, you'll see what you are missing.
What have you missed today, this week, this month, or even this year--doesnt it feel like we just started 2011? Newsflash--2012 is banging on the door!! That being said (fr someone who doesn't make new years resolutions) what are you doing this year? What's happening right now that will influence your 2012 life goals?
Stop and reflect--if this isnt something you normally do it may feel awkward or weird but once you really try, you'll find great reward in doing this. Just stop. That's all it really takes. Stop running around and just observe--yourself and the world/life happening around you. You may be surprised to see how much you are missing. Don't analyze, just observe. If you need a focus to quiet your stirring mind--focus on your breathing. I'm not saying you need to close your eyes and "OM". Just use your breath as something to focus on to really stop--most of us criticize children for not being able to sit still but we cant do that as adults!
So if I can influence your 2012 in one way, I hope it's this....stop and take in all the life happening around you, reflect once in a while on what you observe, and be grateful for the blessings you find in it all.
I hope you all had a healthy and blessed 2011--I wish you all the best for 2012!!
Happy, Safe & Healthy New Year!!
Life happens here. The lighting and walls may not change much but a lot of change happens here. If you just stop to take a look, you'll see what you are missing.
What have you missed today, this week, this month, or even this year--doesnt it feel like we just started 2011? Newsflash--2012 is banging on the door!! That being said (fr someone who doesn't make new years resolutions) what are you doing this year? What's happening right now that will influence your 2012 life goals?
Stop and reflect--if this isnt something you normally do it may feel awkward or weird but once you really try, you'll find great reward in doing this. Just stop. That's all it really takes. Stop running around and just observe--yourself and the world/life happening around you. You may be surprised to see how much you are missing. Don't analyze, just observe. If you need a focus to quiet your stirring mind--focus on your breathing. I'm not saying you need to close your eyes and "OM". Just use your breath as something to focus on to really stop--most of us criticize children for not being able to sit still but we cant do that as adults!
So if I can influence your 2012 in one way, I hope it's this....stop and take in all the life happening around you, reflect once in a while on what you observe, and be grateful for the blessings you find in it all.
I hope you all had a healthy and blessed 2011--I wish you all the best for 2012!!
Happy, Safe & Healthy New Year!!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Good night 29, Good Morning to 30
Tonight I say good night to 29, to wake up to my first (of many, I hope) good morning to 30!
The past week has been a mix of emotions for me. Two pieces of AMAZING good news from two very dear friends, another holiday without my mom, frustration of being in a car accident on Black Friday, hope/faith from a new book, the heartache of not being able to celebrate my big birthday with two very special people.... At the end of the day, week, month....gratitude for being able to sit here and type this on the eve of my 30th birthday.
I started the celebration by treating my closet/nearest/dearest women in my life to a spa day. Later that night I was (happily, to a degree) the fifth wheel at a fabulous dinner with my sister, brother-in-law, my best friend, and her fiance! I woke up to coffee with my dad to recap the day's events and ended a productive day with a lovely invite for dinner from family. I'm spending the birthday just how I imagined--surrounded by loved ones and happy by treating others to something nice.
I'm someone numb though. I feel blessed to be here doing all this with all these wonderful people. And yet some part of me feels numb. 30 was one of those birthdays you imagine hitting one day but don't really realize you got there until it's starring you in the face! At least that's how it happened for me. We make plans with big accomplishments and milestones to have hit by this point, but we can only plan life to an extent. I never planned to be unemployed for a year, to be in a long distance relationship, to be in school, to be here without my mom to celebrate with....but to the same point, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be--in accordance with God's plan. That's something I can and do appreciate, accept, understand.
I'm grateful for my first 30 years of my life and excited for the nest 30! So good night 29...
The past week has been a mix of emotions for me. Two pieces of AMAZING good news from two very dear friends, another holiday without my mom, frustration of being in a car accident on Black Friday, hope/faith from a new book, the heartache of not being able to celebrate my big birthday with two very special people.... At the end of the day, week, month....gratitude for being able to sit here and type this on the eve of my 30th birthday.
I started the celebration by treating my closet/nearest/dearest women in my life to a spa day. Later that night I was (happily, to a degree) the fifth wheel at a fabulous dinner with my sister, brother-in-law, my best friend, and her fiance! I woke up to coffee with my dad to recap the day's events and ended a productive day with a lovely invite for dinner from family. I'm spending the birthday just how I imagined--surrounded by loved ones and happy by treating others to something nice.
I'm someone numb though. I feel blessed to be here doing all this with all these wonderful people. And yet some part of me feels numb. 30 was one of those birthdays you imagine hitting one day but don't really realize you got there until it's starring you in the face! At least that's how it happened for me. We make plans with big accomplishments and milestones to have hit by this point, but we can only plan life to an extent. I never planned to be unemployed for a year, to be in a long distance relationship, to be in school, to be here without my mom to celebrate with....but to the same point, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be--in accordance with God's plan. That's something I can and do appreciate, accept, understand.
I'm grateful for my first 30 years of my life and excited for the nest 30! So good night 29...
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Moving up and on...
So I've been in a funk all week. My usual busy routine has been lack luster and near non-existent. I was excited that this would be my final year of my 20s. But something snuck up on me and now I'd rather just not go crazy for the day. I've always been a HUGE fan of my birthdays but I'm just not feeling it this year.
NO, it's not the number that's really bothering me--it's just another number anyways, I could care less. Getting older is part of life you can run all you want but there's no running from it.
When I confided in a friend about this feeling she asked what I thought it was that was bothering me. I guess it's a few things really. The minimal one being, I plan for a living there's something not as fun about it anymore and I really didn't feel like putting the effort into planning my birthday event(s) this year. The second being the missing people in my life to celebrate it with. For one, I'd never have imagined that I wouldn't get to celebrate my "big 3-0" without the woman who gave it to me. It weighs on my heart to know that I don't get to physically celebrate with my mom anymore. The second (and I don't fault him for this at all, we are not "well off" and in a matter of a month we'll have seen each other twice) but the downfall of being in a long distance relationship is the lack of physical presence that you get at points in the relationship. I wouldn't trade him for ANYTHING, I love him forever and always...but this is a time when the long distance parts sucks.
So add those all up and my butt has been lazy all week--factor in my dad getting sick with the flu while visiting my grandpa and me getting into a car accident the day after Thanksgiving and I'm all out of positive attitude. It's not to say that my gratitude is lacking--it's not. I'm beyond grateful that I'm getting to see my 30th birthday as I know there are many in this world who haven't. I'm grateful to have had a wonderful loving mother for 26 years of my life. I'm grateful to have AMAZING friends and family who love and care for me day in and day out. I'm grateful to be able to host some of my nearest and dearest friends on Saturday to celebrate my 30th. I'm grateful that no one was seriously injured in the accident. I'm grateful that (although not a pleasant experience) dad only had the flu. I'm grateful to be a healthy 30 year old (and now an INSURED one, just in case). I'm grateful for the new clear vision that I'll get to begin my 30s with! Above all I'm grateful for the abundance of LOVE in my life.
So I may be in a funk now...but maybe this is just the "calm before the storm" and I'll snap out of it. But until then I know it's ok to feel the way I am and will deal with it--sure to wrap it all up by the time my birthday rolls around (I only get 4 more days anyway)!
Happy birthday to all the Sagitarians out there!
NO, it's not the number that's really bothering me--it's just another number anyways, I could care less. Getting older is part of life you can run all you want but there's no running from it.
When I confided in a friend about this feeling she asked what I thought it was that was bothering me. I guess it's a few things really. The minimal one being, I plan for a living there's something not as fun about it anymore and I really didn't feel like putting the effort into planning my birthday event(s) this year. The second being the missing people in my life to celebrate it with. For one, I'd never have imagined that I wouldn't get to celebrate my "big 3-0" without the woman who gave it to me. It weighs on my heart to know that I don't get to physically celebrate with my mom anymore. The second (and I don't fault him for this at all, we are not "well off" and in a matter of a month we'll have seen each other twice) but the downfall of being in a long distance relationship is the lack of physical presence that you get at points in the relationship. I wouldn't trade him for ANYTHING, I love him forever and always...but this is a time when the long distance parts sucks.
So add those all up and my butt has been lazy all week--factor in my dad getting sick with the flu while visiting my grandpa and me getting into a car accident the day after Thanksgiving and I'm all out of positive attitude. It's not to say that my gratitude is lacking--it's not. I'm beyond grateful that I'm getting to see my 30th birthday as I know there are many in this world who haven't. I'm grateful to have had a wonderful loving mother for 26 years of my life. I'm grateful to have AMAZING friends and family who love and care for me day in and day out. I'm grateful to be able to host some of my nearest and dearest friends on Saturday to celebrate my 30th. I'm grateful that no one was seriously injured in the accident. I'm grateful that (although not a pleasant experience) dad only had the flu. I'm grateful to be a healthy 30 year old (and now an INSURED one, just in case). I'm grateful for the new clear vision that I'll get to begin my 30s with! Above all I'm grateful for the abundance of LOVE in my life.
So I may be in a funk now...but maybe this is just the "calm before the storm" and I'll snap out of it. But until then I know it's ok to feel the way I am and will deal with it--sure to wrap it all up by the time my birthday rolls around (I only get 4 more days anyway)!
Happy birthday to all the Sagitarians out there!
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