So I've been in a funk all week. My usual busy routine has been lack luster and near non-existent. I was excited that this would be my final year of my 20s. But something snuck up on me and now I'd rather just not go crazy for the day. I've always been a HUGE fan of my birthdays but I'm just not feeling it this year.
NO, it's not the number that's really bothering me--it's just another number anyways, I could care less. Getting older is part of life you can run all you want but there's no running from it.
When I confided in a friend about this feeling she asked what I thought it was that was bothering me. I guess it's a few things really. The minimal one being, I plan for a living there's something not as fun about it anymore and I really didn't feel like putting the effort into planning my birthday event(s) this year. The second being the missing people in my life to celebrate it with. For one, I'd never have imagined that I wouldn't get to celebrate my "big 3-0" without the woman who gave it to me. It weighs on my heart to know that I don't get to physically celebrate with my mom anymore. The second (and I don't fault him for this at all, we are not "well off" and in a matter of a month we'll have seen each other twice) but the downfall of being in a long distance relationship is the lack of physical presence that you get at points in the relationship. I wouldn't trade him for ANYTHING, I love him forever and always...but this is a time when the long distance parts sucks.
So add those all up and my butt has been lazy all week--factor in my dad getting sick with the flu while visiting my grandpa and me getting into a car accident the day after Thanksgiving and I'm all out of positive attitude. It's not to say that my gratitude is lacking--it's not. I'm beyond grateful that I'm getting to see my 30th birthday as I know there are many in this world who haven't. I'm grateful to have had a wonderful loving mother for 26 years of my life. I'm grateful to have AMAZING friends and family who love and care for me day in and day out. I'm grateful to be able to host some of my nearest and dearest friends on Saturday to celebrate my 30th. I'm grateful that no one was seriously injured in the accident. I'm grateful that (although not a pleasant experience) dad only had the flu. I'm grateful to be a healthy 30 year old (and now an INSURED one, just in case). I'm grateful for the new clear vision that I'll get to begin my 30s with! Above all I'm grateful for the abundance of LOVE in my life.
So I may be in a funk now...but maybe this is just the "calm before the storm" and I'll snap out of it. But until then I know it's ok to feel the way I am and will deal with it--sure to wrap it all up by the time my birthday rolls around (I only get 4 more days anyway)!
Happy birthday to all the Sagitarians out there!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Tomorrow is a NEW DAY!!
Even on our "lowest" days there's always a silver lining--tomorrow is a new day! Tomorrow is an opportunity to startover, press the reset button, begin anew, refresh... All too often when we feel like we are in a funk, fallen and can't get up, at our lowest of lows; we forget and neglect to see our blessings in life. This may sound like I wake up every day with birds chirping and sun shinning--fact is my life is far from a scene out of Cinderella! I am more of a morning person then a late night owl, but that's beside the point. I have my days where I'd just prefer pulling the covers over my head and spending the day there. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area so if you know it, you know that most mornings start with a dense fog with the chance of sun by noon--if we are lucky! But the point of this post is not about my local weather, but the importance of our attitude on life.
We need to be more accepting. More accepting of ourselves--the perfections and imperfections. More accepting of others--we are so quick to judge without knowing the whole story. Someone who just cut you off may have just experienced a death in the family, job loss, or emergency. Before you lay on your horn and end up only upsetting yourself, take a moment and think if it's really worth it. We need to be more accepting for our feelings. While not every day is "sunshine and butterflies" for me, I'm ok with that. Sure on those "Eeyore" days, it's a little bit harder to believe myself but I know that with each day comes a beginning and an end--therefore this too shall pass. In addition to, I know that it's those tougher days that helps me appreciate my happier ones. I'd have little to nothing to compare my ups if I had no downs. Being ok with the above happening in my life--sometimes--makes going thru them a little bit easier. It turns a perverbial flashlight on during my dark moments. It allows me to be ok with with feeling what I feel at that time.
Being positive is not a 24/7/365 requirement/need. You'd probably experience more frustration than anything else if you set that as your goal. Ah, but setting goals is key and setting realistic ones even more so! So set a goal of being positive about something--anything--at some point each day. Just like taking the time to allow yourself to feel what it is you are going through is important--keeping some positivity in your life helps too! It's an attitude of gratitude! On my hardest days it could be the simplest of things like gratitude for having the ability to get out of bed, my health, or a bed to sleep in. Anything works.
Communication~ The funny part about this for me is that I usually prefer to be a "hermit" when I'm having an "Eeyore" day. But when I say communication is key, I don't necessarily mean you need to surround yourself with people. Sometimes it's just posting a blog. It's easy to be social nowadays without actually physically socializing. Sometimes you need that outside influence to remind you that you are OK. You may just be OK, but OK is better than nothing. It's the reminder that whatever it is that you are battling internally, isn't the end of the world--even your's! For example, when I was down about my mom yesterday, I was reminded of all those other people out there who have tragecially lost a loved one--or are losing a loved one. While not having my mom around is hard, watching her suffer was harder. I pray for those who are going through that. The communication that I partake in allows me to reflect on my situation, feelings, emotions, state of being...they allow me to see that positive aspect of my life at that point in time. It that "a ha" moment...it allows you to refocus your focal point!
That's all I have for now. Someone may have just needed the reminder that my subject line reads, someone else may need an aspect of the content of my blog, or maybe I just needed to communicate what was going on for me. Either way, something positive came out of this post and for that, I am grateful!
We need to be more accepting. More accepting of ourselves--the perfections and imperfections. More accepting of others--we are so quick to judge without knowing the whole story. Someone who just cut you off may have just experienced a death in the family, job loss, or emergency. Before you lay on your horn and end up only upsetting yourself, take a moment and think if it's really worth it. We need to be more accepting for our feelings. While not every day is "sunshine and butterflies" for me, I'm ok with that. Sure on those "Eeyore" days, it's a little bit harder to believe myself but I know that with each day comes a beginning and an end--therefore this too shall pass. In addition to, I know that it's those tougher days that helps me appreciate my happier ones. I'd have little to nothing to compare my ups if I had no downs. Being ok with the above happening in my life--sometimes--makes going thru them a little bit easier. It turns a perverbial flashlight on during my dark moments. It allows me to be ok with with feeling what I feel at that time.
Being positive is not a 24/7/365 requirement/need. You'd probably experience more frustration than anything else if you set that as your goal. Ah, but setting goals is key and setting realistic ones even more so! So set a goal of being positive about something--anything--at some point each day. Just like taking the time to allow yourself to feel what it is you are going through is important--keeping some positivity in your life helps too! It's an attitude of gratitude! On my hardest days it could be the simplest of things like gratitude for having the ability to get out of bed, my health, or a bed to sleep in. Anything works.
Communication~ The funny part about this for me is that I usually prefer to be a "hermit" when I'm having an "Eeyore" day. But when I say communication is key, I don't necessarily mean you need to surround yourself with people. Sometimes it's just posting a blog. It's easy to be social nowadays without actually physically socializing. Sometimes you need that outside influence to remind you that you are OK. You may just be OK, but OK is better than nothing. It's the reminder that whatever it is that you are battling internally, isn't the end of the world--even your's! For example, when I was down about my mom yesterday, I was reminded of all those other people out there who have tragecially lost a loved one--or are losing a loved one. While not having my mom around is hard, watching her suffer was harder. I pray for those who are going through that. The communication that I partake in allows me to reflect on my situation, feelings, emotions, state of being...they allow me to see that positive aspect of my life at that point in time. It that "a ha" moment...it allows you to refocus your focal point!
That's all I have for now. Someone may have just needed the reminder that my subject line reads, someone else may need an aspect of the content of my blog, or maybe I just needed to communicate what was going on for me. Either way, something positive came out of this post and for that, I am grateful!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
On this day...
I'm already crying and haven't started typing...I precede this post with a forewarning of sorts. I'm here to get out of my head and put what's been in my head and heart today in black and white. I don't write for sympathy or comforting words, just to verbalize my thoughts/feelings on this day.
On this day three years ago I was holding my mom for the very last time. I held her as she left this world. I hugged her, felt her touch, and smelled her one last time. On this day three years ago my life changed in a way I never imagined it would. On this day three years ago I lost my best friend.
I still can vividly recall how the whole evening unraveled on me. I still sometimes feel like that lost girl wandering through the events of a loss. Getting jerked out of mourning to plan a funeral, play host to the many people who come to show their final respects, getting shocked back into reality through having to continue living your own life without her. Reliving memories through every item of clothing pulled from her closet/drawers. Wondering if there was something that you could have done to prevent you from being in the moment your are currently in--without them. Having to face people asking you day in and day out "how are YOU doing--no really?" Knowing they mean well but so tired of being asked the 'loaded' question. Suddenly thinking about every future life event that they will no longer physically be a part of. Finally figuring out you've fallen, deciding whether or not you want to get up, and then figuring out how to pick yourself back up.
I need to state this...I have an AMAZING support system! I have friends who are family to me. I have family who I've grown leaps and bounds with through all of this. I've found my life--the one that God was just waiting on me to dry my eyes to see clearly enough in front of me. I'd give anything to have my mom back in my life physically. But I'm also grateful for all the blessings that have come since her passing. I wouldn't be the woman I am today if I hadn't lived the life I have--the good, the bad, the ugly. I would go back and live it all over again--even the hardest parts.
When my mom really started to lose her battle she had a surgery she was going into and she promised us she was going to make it b/c she had so much left to do for us (in particular marry and produce grandchildren for her). She lightened the moment with that and I remember the smile that lit up her face as she saw a little of the fear leave my eyes. No matter what, she'd always kept her promises to us and I knew she would keep that one. She fought through a whole lot more for 30 more days after that moment to prove that she was keeping that promise too. When this day came three years ago, I made a promise to her. She fought long and hard to stay around for us. Make as many memories as she could before she knew she couldn't anymore. Holding her, I told her that it was ok....it was ok to go now b/c we'd be ok. We'd take care of each other and she didn't have to be in pain anymore. And at that very moment I knew it was true and I meant it. Even sitting here tonight I know and feel the same way about that promise to her. I've lived three more years without her and I've been blessed in more ways than I could count. I've not only survived but I've thrived. I've kept my promise to her and seen her work her ways to keep her promise to me.
On this day every year I've mourned her loss, but on every other day of the year I live out our promises to each other and celebrate the life she blessed me with. On this day, some year I will only cry tears of joy and not of sorrow. On this day every year I'm reminded of how precious of a gift life is through her. On this day every year I'm reminded just how strong I am by surviving my (always feared) weakest moment in my life. On this day, I'm reminded of the best female role model I'll ever know...my mom.
In Memory of JFH 9/12/47-8/31/08
On this day three years ago I was holding my mom for the very last time. I held her as she left this world. I hugged her, felt her touch, and smelled her one last time. On this day three years ago my life changed in a way I never imagined it would. On this day three years ago I lost my best friend.
I still can vividly recall how the whole evening unraveled on me. I still sometimes feel like that lost girl wandering through the events of a loss. Getting jerked out of mourning to plan a funeral, play host to the many people who come to show their final respects, getting shocked back into reality through having to continue living your own life without her. Reliving memories through every item of clothing pulled from her closet/drawers. Wondering if there was something that you could have done to prevent you from being in the moment your are currently in--without them. Having to face people asking you day in and day out "how are YOU doing--no really?" Knowing they mean well but so tired of being asked the 'loaded' question. Suddenly thinking about every future life event that they will no longer physically be a part of. Finally figuring out you've fallen, deciding whether or not you want to get up, and then figuring out how to pick yourself back up.
I need to state this...I have an AMAZING support system! I have friends who are family to me. I have family who I've grown leaps and bounds with through all of this. I've found my life--the one that God was just waiting on me to dry my eyes to see clearly enough in front of me. I'd give anything to have my mom back in my life physically. But I'm also grateful for all the blessings that have come since her passing. I wouldn't be the woman I am today if I hadn't lived the life I have--the good, the bad, the ugly. I would go back and live it all over again--even the hardest parts.
When my mom really started to lose her battle she had a surgery she was going into and she promised us she was going to make it b/c she had so much left to do for us (in particular marry and produce grandchildren for her). She lightened the moment with that and I remember the smile that lit up her face as she saw a little of the fear leave my eyes. No matter what, she'd always kept her promises to us and I knew she would keep that one. She fought through a whole lot more for 30 more days after that moment to prove that she was keeping that promise too. When this day came three years ago, I made a promise to her. She fought long and hard to stay around for us. Make as many memories as she could before she knew she couldn't anymore. Holding her, I told her that it was ok....it was ok to go now b/c we'd be ok. We'd take care of each other and she didn't have to be in pain anymore. And at that very moment I knew it was true and I meant it. Even sitting here tonight I know and feel the same way about that promise to her. I've lived three more years without her and I've been blessed in more ways than I could count. I've not only survived but I've thrived. I've kept my promise to her and seen her work her ways to keep her promise to me.
On this day every year I've mourned her loss, but on every other day of the year I live out our promises to each other and celebrate the life she blessed me with. On this day, some year I will only cry tears of joy and not of sorrow. On this day every year I'm reminded of how precious of a gift life is through her. On this day every year I'm reminded just how strong I am by surviving my (always feared) weakest moment in my life. On this day, I'm reminded of the best female role model I'll ever know...my mom.
In Memory of JFH 9/12/47-8/31/08
Friday, July 8, 2011
If only...
I used to find myself saying this all the time...not as much now as before, but I still slip into old habits. It's funny, b/c this was the topic of discussion this week. I didn't have my best of weigh ins this week but surprisingly, I'm not upset with myself. I enjoyed the baseball game and BBQ on the 4th, had dinner w/my BFF who's visiting from Hawaii, and it is that time of the month. But those aren't excuses, just fact about what my week in a snap shot looked like. I also know that I worked my ass off at the gym yesterday and I feel it this morning. I know that I was active this week as well. I wasn't thrilled to see the result on the scale but I'm still happy with my progress.
This experience is something I've had before, except I usually would've beat myself up over it and binged--then felt even worse and probably would've given up b/c I would've had another bad week. Or I would have blamed myself and spouted off a number of "if only" statements that I coulda/shoulda done this, that or the other better so I would have lost. Neither one of those would have been productive for me. Instead I found my seat and listened to our discussion today. Then I walked my way down to Starbuck's, ordered my usual 7pt bfast/coffee, and read my Fitness magazine. After my "me time", I walked myself back up to my house and completed my 5k for the day!
On my walk back I was in my head about life. Thinking about where I'm at with school right now, my relationship, work, etc. I ended up day dreaming of me being in an interview, taking it over and telling this person about myself and why I'm the one. It was all very different, we all know I've been through the interview mill over the last couple of years--as are many in this economic time. But it wasn't meant to be about just a job anymore...it was me getting out of my own way. All too often, I've gotten the "thanks but no thanks" letter/email/call and just like my many times of disappointed weigh ins I do the "If only..." speech to myself. But in this moment I was realizing that it's not about where, or for who, or what title I've worked but what I've done with my life that makes me perfect for whatever career I choose or job I interview for.
About two weeks ago I went to a teachers conference--which I am working towards becoming but not all certified yet. On my drive there I was thinking about what this conference would involve and who would be there and hope that I "fit in". When I got thtere I realized that it didn't matter what point of my teaching journey I was in, I was meant to be there and the only person that mattered to was myself! I didn't know anyone at this conference, which was a plus b/c I would get in some great networking time. The people I met, talked to, worked with, listen to, etc. were amazing individuals that most of us would walk right past on the street and not think twice. But these are the people who are actively changing the lives (for the positive) of today's youth! They do this with great passion and b/c they want to not b/c they have to or need the paycheck. This isn't a job for them it's a vocation! There may be budget cuts but none of the people in that room were going to let that stand in their way of making a difference! There was no "if only..." present in that room or in any of their classrooms--literally or figuratively speaking!
So today I'm getting out of my own way--yet again--and laying "if only..." to rest, never to be used, seen, spoken again. Its headstone will read "here lies 'if only...' --the past, never again to be the future."
This experience is something I've had before, except I usually would've beat myself up over it and binged--then felt even worse and probably would've given up b/c I would've had another bad week. Or I would have blamed myself and spouted off a number of "if only" statements that I coulda/shoulda done this, that or the other better so I would have lost. Neither one of those would have been productive for me. Instead I found my seat and listened to our discussion today. Then I walked my way down to Starbuck's, ordered my usual 7pt bfast/coffee, and read my Fitness magazine. After my "me time", I walked myself back up to my house and completed my 5k for the day!
On my walk back I was in my head about life. Thinking about where I'm at with school right now, my relationship, work, etc. I ended up day dreaming of me being in an interview, taking it over and telling this person about myself and why I'm the one. It was all very different, we all know I've been through the interview mill over the last couple of years--as are many in this economic time. But it wasn't meant to be about just a job anymore...it was me getting out of my own way. All too often, I've gotten the "thanks but no thanks" letter/email/call and just like my many times of disappointed weigh ins I do the "If only..." speech to myself. But in this moment I was realizing that it's not about where, or for who, or what title I've worked but what I've done with my life that makes me perfect for whatever career I choose or job I interview for.
About two weeks ago I went to a teachers conference--which I am working towards becoming but not all certified yet. On my drive there I was thinking about what this conference would involve and who would be there and hope that I "fit in". When I got thtere I realized that it didn't matter what point of my teaching journey I was in, I was meant to be there and the only person that mattered to was myself! I didn't know anyone at this conference, which was a plus b/c I would get in some great networking time. The people I met, talked to, worked with, listen to, etc. were amazing individuals that most of us would walk right past on the street and not think twice. But these are the people who are actively changing the lives (for the positive) of today's youth! They do this with great passion and b/c they want to not b/c they have to or need the paycheck. This isn't a job for them it's a vocation! There may be budget cuts but none of the people in that room were going to let that stand in their way of making a difference! There was no "if only..." present in that room or in any of their classrooms--literally or figuratively speaking!
So today I'm getting out of my own way--yet again--and laying "if only..." to rest, never to be used, seen, spoken again. Its headstone will read "here lies 'if only...' --the past, never again to be the future."
Monday, June 13, 2011
So much to say....
All too often I will turn to someone when I'm frustrated or need to blow off steam. Afterwards I realize I should have not run from myself. See, I tend to "distract" myself with something else or someone else when I should just deal with whatever IT is. Kind of like right now, I have writer's block for a paper I need to post tonight for my Masters program. I did not wait until the last minute to write it--don't go there. I'm just....well I'm in my own way! It was just before this that I got stuck last time and well here I am doing this all over again. I'm my best friend and biggest enemy all at the same time.
Looking back I can see how I did that to myself in relationships, my health, etc. People will call it different things but when it comes down to it, it's all the same. We all can't seem to get out of our own way. Some people say it's perfectionism for them and if they can't do it perfectly then they won't do it at all--um what? LOL... Others will just blame someone else for why they didn't get it accomplished--this person distracted me, or what's her face needed me for this so I couldn't do that, etc. All of it comes back to ourselves. I'm guilty of it, duh otherwise I wouldn't be here talking about it.
It took me 15 years to get out of my own way when it came to my health. I blamed other people for why I was the way I am. That is until I took responsibility for myself. Same thing with my trust issues...hello?? Trust yourself and you'll be able to trust others. Relationships? Ha! My friends were just as much a part of my dating life as was the person I was dating. Ladies, it's one thing to share the details with your girlfriends, it's a whole other thing when you are having their decisions and input live the relationship for you. I think it's safe to say that this is my first "successful" relationship, not because it's lasted or there's a ring on my finger (which there isn't but some people judge relationships that way so that's why I say that) but because I'm actually living the relationship I'm in, not my friends. I make the decisions for myself in my relationship not the girls. They know it's not always "rainbows and butterflies" (or whatever that Faby=ism is) but they know after the fact not during. I don't run to people to fix my problems I do it. I guess you can say that I'm finally grown up now--funny I'm almost 30 and just now admit to being a grown up.
Certain things in life unfolded after my mom passed. Don't get me wrong, a lot just fell apart for me initially. But as I was working on picking up the pieces I learned how to finally do things for myself. My mom wasn't an "enabler" but she was my mom. She was always there to help in any and every way she could. Well in that I've learned that even at 20+ I would go to her to help or advise, instead of dealing with it on my own. I'm still growing in this. There's times when I want to run to a friend or my manfriend (he says 'boyfriend' sounds silly, so there you go).
All that rant for what? Well still not sure...that's why I'm sitting here tapping away. Instead of distracting myself with something that's not going to fix the problem (i've already cleaned my house, shopped for all I need, watched tv, checked/returned emails, etc) I'm trying to figure out why it is that I'm unable to get out of my own way with this school thing.
I can tell you this...I miss her....this is one of many things that I will accomplish without her being here cheering me on. I know that I'll have to learn to get used to that...she won't be there to walk me down the aisle like I always wanted her to with my dad, she won't be there to hold her first grandchild like she always wanted, she won't be my first phone call when ever I do get engaged, she won't be there yelling my name at the top of her lungs when I walk across that stage to receive my diploma...
I just answered my own question didn't I? I can't stand in my way just b/c she won't be there for any of that. That'd be me choosing not to live life and even worse, by doing that it doesn't bring her back--it's a lose-lose situation. I've been successful in getting out of my way when it's come to my weightloss...I'm sitting here almost 70lbs lighter! So I've cried, ranted, and answered my own question. Time to try that paper again, huh?
Looking back I can see how I did that to myself in relationships, my health, etc. People will call it different things but when it comes down to it, it's all the same. We all can't seem to get out of our own way. Some people say it's perfectionism for them and if they can't do it perfectly then they won't do it at all--um what? LOL... Others will just blame someone else for why they didn't get it accomplished--this person distracted me, or what's her face needed me for this so I couldn't do that, etc. All of it comes back to ourselves. I'm guilty of it, duh otherwise I wouldn't be here talking about it.
It took me 15 years to get out of my own way when it came to my health. I blamed other people for why I was the way I am. That is until I took responsibility for myself. Same thing with my trust issues...hello?? Trust yourself and you'll be able to trust others. Relationships? Ha! My friends were just as much a part of my dating life as was the person I was dating. Ladies, it's one thing to share the details with your girlfriends, it's a whole other thing when you are having their decisions and input live the relationship for you. I think it's safe to say that this is my first "successful" relationship, not because it's lasted or there's a ring on my finger (which there isn't but some people judge relationships that way so that's why I say that) but because I'm actually living the relationship I'm in, not my friends. I make the decisions for myself in my relationship not the girls. They know it's not always "rainbows and butterflies" (or whatever that Faby=ism is) but they know after the fact not during. I don't run to people to fix my problems I do it. I guess you can say that I'm finally grown up now--funny I'm almost 30 and just now admit to being a grown up.
Certain things in life unfolded after my mom passed. Don't get me wrong, a lot just fell apart for me initially. But as I was working on picking up the pieces I learned how to finally do things for myself. My mom wasn't an "enabler" but she was my mom. She was always there to help in any and every way she could. Well in that I've learned that even at 20+ I would go to her to help or advise, instead of dealing with it on my own. I'm still growing in this. There's times when I want to run to a friend or my manfriend (he says 'boyfriend' sounds silly, so there you go).
All that rant for what? Well still not sure...that's why I'm sitting here tapping away. Instead of distracting myself with something that's not going to fix the problem (i've already cleaned my house, shopped for all I need, watched tv, checked/returned emails, etc) I'm trying to figure out why it is that I'm unable to get out of my own way with this school thing.
I can tell you this...I miss her....this is one of many things that I will accomplish without her being here cheering me on. I know that I'll have to learn to get used to that...she won't be there to walk me down the aisle like I always wanted her to with my dad, she won't be there to hold her first grandchild like she always wanted, she won't be my first phone call when ever I do get engaged, she won't be there yelling my name at the top of her lungs when I walk across that stage to receive my diploma...
I just answered my own question didn't I? I can't stand in my way just b/c she won't be there for any of that. That'd be me choosing not to live life and even worse, by doing that it doesn't bring her back--it's a lose-lose situation. I've been successful in getting out of my way when it's come to my weightloss...I'm sitting here almost 70lbs lighter! So I've cried, ranted, and answered my own question. Time to try that paper again, huh?
Friday, April 15, 2011
Me First...
I've found that my most successful moments in life--whatever it is that I'm working towards--have been when I put my needs first. This can sound like the easiest and most common sense task in the world or the hardest. Most mothers (or maternal figures) will role their eyes at this and say, "ya right--when?" My mom was a perfectly good example of this. She constantly put her family's (or whoever she felt was like family) needs before her own. Unfortunately, her life was cut short from cancer--even at that point she kept putting other's before herself. I've found that even her passing was an act that put our needs before her's. So much has happened since her passing that wouldn't have...it's truly backed my belief that everything in life (good or "bad") happens for a reason.
Don't get me wrong...I was far from happy when my mom passed. She was my best friend, my confidant, my mom...the thought of not being able to hug her, feel her touch, hear her voice, have her physically present at momentous life occassions ever again crushed me--but didn't kill me. I've written about this before...I don't want to relive and I'm sure you don't want to be bored with it :)
My point from all this...I can't stress enough how important it is to put your needs first. It's not selfish, it's important. You are unable to the most helpful or best version of yourself to help someone else if you haven't first taken care of your own needs. It's not selfish to express your needs, feeling, opinions, etc in a respectful manner to someone. It's not selfish to say "no" to an invite if you already scheduled the day for yourself to do something that you want to do. It's not selfish of you to not take a call when you are half way out the door to do your workout (**GUILTY!!** lol).
You don't need a blog post, a talk show, or a self help book to know this. We all know this, it's natural. But we fight it, think that it's not right. But it is. It's taken me 20+ years to relearn it though. I've come to terms with (recently) that the reason I'm the size I am is of no one's fault but my own! It was me putting other's needs before my own. It was me not taking action to improve my health. It was a choice that I had made because others said I "had to" not b/c I wanted to. I have no one to blame...instead, I take responsibilty for this and choose now to make my own decisions/choices. For that reason I'm living a better, healthier, and happier life. Now I just need to win the lottery and I'm set! LOL jk
Do yourself a favor for once and put you first. It can be small like sleeping in on a weekend or taking an hour to read for leisure. I started off by scheduling my "me time"--no joke! My Google calendar and I became well acquianted through this process! Life/God decided to throw me a few curve balls during that time too to make sure I stuck with it. I shed plenty of tears in the process (more "me time") and was a hermit in doing so. However, I'm here 8 weeks later--I survived--and I'm better because of it, my life is better because of it. I learned a great deal of trust throughout this process as well. I came to realize that my lack of trust in others was due to the lack of trust I had in myself. I made my first real decision during this time. I felt beautiful for the first time--and believed others when they told me--during this period. Life isn't a "peaches and butterflies" (as one of my BFFs says) for me but it is a beautiful gift in it's entirety, that is something I appreciate.
Don't do this because I said so, do it b/c YOU are taking responsibilty for yourself and your life. Do it b/c YOU want to be happy, healthy, etc. Maybe you aren't ready to take this on. That's ok too. Make a decision for yourself...that's a GREAT first step.
Here's to putting YOU first...and me too! :)
Don't get me wrong...I was far from happy when my mom passed. She was my best friend, my confidant, my mom...the thought of not being able to hug her, feel her touch, hear her voice, have her physically present at momentous life occassions ever again crushed me--but didn't kill me. I've written about this before...I don't want to relive and I'm sure you don't want to be bored with it :)
My point from all this...I can't stress enough how important it is to put your needs first. It's not selfish, it's important. You are unable to the most helpful or best version of yourself to help someone else if you haven't first taken care of your own needs. It's not selfish to express your needs, feeling, opinions, etc in a respectful manner to someone. It's not selfish to say "no" to an invite if you already scheduled the day for yourself to do something that you want to do. It's not selfish of you to not take a call when you are half way out the door to do your workout (**GUILTY!!** lol).
You don't need a blog post, a talk show, or a self help book to know this. We all know this, it's natural. But we fight it, think that it's not right. But it is. It's taken me 20+ years to relearn it though. I've come to terms with (recently) that the reason I'm the size I am is of no one's fault but my own! It was me putting other's needs before my own. It was me not taking action to improve my health. It was a choice that I had made because others said I "had to" not b/c I wanted to. I have no one to blame...instead, I take responsibilty for this and choose now to make my own decisions/choices. For that reason I'm living a better, healthier, and happier life. Now I just need to win the lottery and I'm set! LOL jk
Do yourself a favor for once and put you first. It can be small like sleeping in on a weekend or taking an hour to read for leisure. I started off by scheduling my "me time"--no joke! My Google calendar and I became well acquianted through this process! Life/God decided to throw me a few curve balls during that time too to make sure I stuck with it. I shed plenty of tears in the process (more "me time") and was a hermit in doing so. However, I'm here 8 weeks later--I survived--and I'm better because of it, my life is better because of it. I learned a great deal of trust throughout this process as well. I came to realize that my lack of trust in others was due to the lack of trust I had in myself. I made my first real decision during this time. I felt beautiful for the first time--and believed others when they told me--during this period. Life isn't a "peaches and butterflies" (as one of my BFFs says) for me but it is a beautiful gift in it's entirety, that is something I appreciate.
Don't do this because I said so, do it b/c YOU are taking responsibilty for yourself and your life. Do it b/c YOU want to be happy, healthy, etc. Maybe you aren't ready to take this on. That's ok too. Make a decision for yourself...that's a GREAT first step.
Here's to putting YOU first...and me too! :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)