I recently started my masters program...I've been wanting to take this program since 2001 when I was still an undergrad student. It's an adult learning program so the average age of their students is about 42. Needless to say, I'm well under that average. When I say in on my first class in 2001 and observed the students I just knew that I wanted to and was meant to take that program. I wanted to take it right after I finished my TUG degree. I was talked out of it by the staff. See I worked with them. I was the student worker there. I didn't necessarily get what they were talking about in their class mtgs but I was intrigued to learn more. 7am wake up for a TUG student on a weekend wasn't common but I was happy to work the weekends when this program was meeting.
Needless to say, "life happened" and I didn't start the program until now. Even at that My original intention was to start in January of this year, then May, and didn't get to start until September. But one thing I have learned over the years is that everything in life happens for a reason, and when it happens is when it is supposed to happen....it can't be (and more importantly shouldn't be) forced to happen sooner.
So here I am...in the thick of it--so to speak--and I'm completely overwhelmed. But yet at the same time, I know I'm where I am supposed to be. I know that I'm supposed to be in this program right now with this group of people. So now what? Now is when I need to put my learning into action. I need to except that with this start there is an ending. This isn't a time when I just supposed to keep adding to my plate. Balance is key in order to be successful here..therefore...I'm learning to balance. My OCP tendencies are being put to the test. I need to let go...ending is ok...letting go and moving forward is a good thing. Letting go doesn't mean that I ever forget. Closing doors has usually been more of a hand holding procedure for me--it either gets slammed in my face and I learn to deal with it or someone helps me close that door. Well in this instance I'm on my own. There are a few doors in my life that I need to go ahead and close...and know that it's ok that they are closing.
I have some AMAZING new beginnings on my horizon...I see them and am excited for them. But I will never be truly open to them if I don't go ahead and deal with these doors. It's time to deal with the doors and close them.
Don't be afraid to address the doors and know that you will always carry the memories of those doors....find comfort in knowing that with the closing of those doors a weight is lifted form you and new windows (and doors) are opened to you. And with the closing of those doors you can truly give of your entire self to those new beginnings.
I just want to thank my new classmates for their support in helping me through this process...and their patience with me in doing so.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Verita...Verdad...Wahrheit...Verite...Adevarul...Veru...Sannhet...TRUTH
I was in college when I received one of my most treasured gifts...even to this day I still keep and remember who gave me the beautiful calligraphy written card with the word TRUTH on it.
That card has made it through all my moves (and that’s two too many) all my packing and unpacking from college days.... all of my spring, summer, fall, and winter cleanings.... It’s a little bit faded out from the sun but it still survives. It now is waiting for me somewhere special where I know that some day soon we'll be reunited.
But this blog isn’t about the card. It's about the word that is on the card. I now think it's ironic that Liz picked that as my word.... honest and truth is one thing that I expect from everyone I let in my life. If you can't meet that one requirement then I have no room or need for you. But I realized that my struggle the majority of my life hasn't been with lack of truth from others but from myself.
I can't expect truth from others when I've so long struggled with being truthful with myself. I could keep promises with other but not with myself. So long I've struggled with this weight loss and promised to myself that I would be successful but it’s only been until now that I have been able to follow through.
It's been since I was young that I lost hope in truth in others. It would be temporary in my mind. They'd start off truthful but eventually they'd break it. I figured if I would tell myself that starting off then they couldn't hurt me later on down the line when they did be dishonest with me.
All the while I wasn't being truthful with myself. I mean that in the sense of.... I couldn't even trust myself to accomplish something but held others to strict standards. We are human, me included, and sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes, not on purpose, we are dishonest. And instead of understanding and accepting that I blamed others and myself for it.
You know, so many people think you have to take a big trip, have a momentous or profound surrounding, or meet an all knowing sacred person to have that "aha" moment.... but the TRUTH of the matter is, those moments happen in the simplest of places, times and usually with ourselves. What makes it a momentous occasion is that we finally realize it. The miracle is in our own acceptance and realization of it that matters most. I've been to Italy, I've had "aha" moments there, but I have had them sweaty and running on the treadmill, crying and laying on my bed, cooking a family meal.... Etc.
It's not the surroundings that make the moment happen, its ourselves...its us being open-minded to the moment to accept it. I was finally ready to stop blaming the men of my past for my lack of trust in people to finally realize it was a lack of trust in myself that caused me to struggle. I was battling myself. An amazing weight was lifted off of my shoulders today. I woke up this morning just like it was any other morning but tonight I go to bed even more grateful then I did when I woke up. Because I can finally start to move on. I can finally stand up for me and be proud of who I am as I am.
In all these years I looking at myself for my lack of trust in people would have been the last place I looked. I am just glad it didn't take me so long to get here. I could only imagine what kind of opportunities would open up to me when this day came. Now I go to sleep with the anticipation of what tomorrow will bring; with the new light of day will come new possibilities. It wasn't my past that was holding me back it was me. I trust myself...I believe in myself.... I love myself--and that's all TRUTH!
That card has made it through all my moves (and that’s two too many) all my packing and unpacking from college days.... all of my spring, summer, fall, and winter cleanings.... It’s a little bit faded out from the sun but it still survives. It now is waiting for me somewhere special where I know that some day soon we'll be reunited.
But this blog isn’t about the card. It's about the word that is on the card. I now think it's ironic that Liz picked that as my word.... honest and truth is one thing that I expect from everyone I let in my life. If you can't meet that one requirement then I have no room or need for you. But I realized that my struggle the majority of my life hasn't been with lack of truth from others but from myself.
I can't expect truth from others when I've so long struggled with being truthful with myself. I could keep promises with other but not with myself. So long I've struggled with this weight loss and promised to myself that I would be successful but it’s only been until now that I have been able to follow through.
It's been since I was young that I lost hope in truth in others. It would be temporary in my mind. They'd start off truthful but eventually they'd break it. I figured if I would tell myself that starting off then they couldn't hurt me later on down the line when they did be dishonest with me.
All the while I wasn't being truthful with myself. I mean that in the sense of.... I couldn't even trust myself to accomplish something but held others to strict standards. We are human, me included, and sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes, not on purpose, we are dishonest. And instead of understanding and accepting that I blamed others and myself for it.
You know, so many people think you have to take a big trip, have a momentous or profound surrounding, or meet an all knowing sacred person to have that "aha" moment.... but the TRUTH of the matter is, those moments happen in the simplest of places, times and usually with ourselves. What makes it a momentous occasion is that we finally realize it. The miracle is in our own acceptance and realization of it that matters most. I've been to Italy, I've had "aha" moments there, but I have had them sweaty and running on the treadmill, crying and laying on my bed, cooking a family meal.... Etc.
It's not the surroundings that make the moment happen, its ourselves...its us being open-minded to the moment to accept it. I was finally ready to stop blaming the men of my past for my lack of trust in people to finally realize it was a lack of trust in myself that caused me to struggle. I was battling myself. An amazing weight was lifted off of my shoulders today. I woke up this morning just like it was any other morning but tonight I go to bed even more grateful then I did when I woke up. Because I can finally start to move on. I can finally stand up for me and be proud of who I am as I am.
In all these years I looking at myself for my lack of trust in people would have been the last place I looked. I am just glad it didn't take me so long to get here. I could only imagine what kind of opportunities would open up to me when this day came. Now I go to sleep with the anticipation of what tomorrow will bring; with the new light of day will come new possibilities. It wasn't my past that was holding me back it was me. I trust myself...I believe in myself.... I love myself--and that's all TRUTH!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Gettin' back on the wagon!
We all have our times when life seems to steam roll us with a loaded schedule and things to do! What happens? For me, and I'm sure others, my workout seems to be the first thing to go...
So about a month ago, I ran my first race! It was great! The weather in SF was gorgeous! It was actually unusually warm early that day so it challenged most of us locals. But it was fun and exillerating and now seems to be addicting! Not looking to run any marathons any time soon but that day I was ready to sign up for race #2!
Then I could feel my body telling me to take a recovery day. Running that race was a big thing for me and my body needed to rest and recover. Well one day turned into two, turned into three, turned into four....and so on. Granted I had just been hired for a new job so getting back into the 9 to 5 schedule was a definite shift in gears, especially since I've been unemployed for almost two years. So working out and going to school was my life. Running errands in between filled up my time. But shifting into working 9 to 5 threw me off for some reason.
Before yesterday, it was a month since I had fully worked out. Other than the one really good one I got in at about the two week mark. My morning runs ceased and aside from going to the gym to work my night shift...I wasn't going. That spark that was motivating me "come hell or high water" just wasn't there. I was putting everything and everyone's needs before mine...again. This is how I got to this size in the first place...I wasn't putting me before the needs of others! Now hear me out, I don't mean that in a sense of someone is lying on the floor and needs CPR and I'm certified and keep walking by them...no not at all! I mean that when it comes to scheduling my day with "to dos" everyone else's needs make the list and then mine fill in whatever is left at the end. Not the way to go...I want to keep moving forwards and that gets me going backwards.
So I've committed to this...I schedule myself a week at a time...my days need to consist of at least two "me things" a day...and I dont just mean waking up and taking time to prep myself. I mean taking anywhere from five minutes to one hour at a time of something that will better me. Whether that's a workout or time spent reading a book of my choosing, or sitting down and watching a movie i've picked...whatever. I have also committed myself to my two Zumba classes a week. I want to at least get those in and then I can build my workouts back up from there.
So many of us get caught up in putting other's needs before our own and then don't realize what's happened until it's sometimes too late. Don't allow yourself to bring yourself down. Yep that's right...no typo there. Too often we blame others for our lacking when we really need to take a good look at ourselves. Confused b/c of what I just spent this whole blog talking about. Don't me, well at least let me clear it up for you. The only person I blame for putting other's first before my own needs, is myself. I'm the one that over committs myself. I am the one that looks at my schedule and says "sure I can look after your dog while you are out of town and cut my trip short to do so.". STOP! That's benefiting no one, especially not you. Others will understand if you have something planned. I've never understood when I've asked someone to do me a favor and then they can't and they apologize. There's no need to apologize...that's why it's a favor. I know that if you were capable of doing it, you would...and if you can't it's ok, especially if I am asking last minute. I appreciate just the time you took in seeing if you could make it happen.
Now, take the time to do yourself a favor. Take the time to pencil time for you. Even if it is something simple, like reading a few pages in a book you've been meaning to pick up for a while. A little goes a long way. And just as someone very wise and loving reminded me yesterday, every little bit counts, especially when it comes to getting in a workout. It may be only two days a week of Zumba right now, but in the long run I will see the greater impact it has on me.
Don't get to harsh on yourself either if you miss out. There's always tomorrow. Its like deciding to continue your binge eating after you have realized what you have done. Why? Why in your moment of clarity have you decided to say aw screw it and keep going? Better to stop then and there....better that then consume another 1000 calories you didn't need. Falling off the wagon is human, allow yourself to be human. Your strength comes from the willing and ableness to get back up and keep going. Don't give up on yourself!
So about a month ago, I ran my first race! It was great! The weather in SF was gorgeous! It was actually unusually warm early that day so it challenged most of us locals. But it was fun and exillerating and now seems to be addicting! Not looking to run any marathons any time soon but that day I was ready to sign up for race #2!
Then I could feel my body telling me to take a recovery day. Running that race was a big thing for me and my body needed to rest and recover. Well one day turned into two, turned into three, turned into four....and so on. Granted I had just been hired for a new job so getting back into the 9 to 5 schedule was a definite shift in gears, especially since I've been unemployed for almost two years. So working out and going to school was my life. Running errands in between filled up my time. But shifting into working 9 to 5 threw me off for some reason.
Before yesterday, it was a month since I had fully worked out. Other than the one really good one I got in at about the two week mark. My morning runs ceased and aside from going to the gym to work my night shift...I wasn't going. That spark that was motivating me "come hell or high water" just wasn't there. I was putting everything and everyone's needs before mine...again. This is how I got to this size in the first place...I wasn't putting me before the needs of others! Now hear me out, I don't mean that in a sense of someone is lying on the floor and needs CPR and I'm certified and keep walking by them...no not at all! I mean that when it comes to scheduling my day with "to dos" everyone else's needs make the list and then mine fill in whatever is left at the end. Not the way to go...I want to keep moving forwards and that gets me going backwards.
So I've committed to this...I schedule myself a week at a time...my days need to consist of at least two "me things" a day...and I dont just mean waking up and taking time to prep myself. I mean taking anywhere from five minutes to one hour at a time of something that will better me. Whether that's a workout or time spent reading a book of my choosing, or sitting down and watching a movie i've picked...whatever. I have also committed myself to my two Zumba classes a week. I want to at least get those in and then I can build my workouts back up from there.
So many of us get caught up in putting other's needs before our own and then don't realize what's happened until it's sometimes too late. Don't allow yourself to bring yourself down. Yep that's right...no typo there. Too often we blame others for our lacking when we really need to take a good look at ourselves. Confused b/c of what I just spent this whole blog talking about. Don't me, well at least let me clear it up for you. The only person I blame for putting other's first before my own needs, is myself. I'm the one that over committs myself. I am the one that looks at my schedule and says "sure I can look after your dog while you are out of town and cut my trip short to do so.". STOP! That's benefiting no one, especially not you. Others will understand if you have something planned. I've never understood when I've asked someone to do me a favor and then they can't and they apologize. There's no need to apologize...that's why it's a favor. I know that if you were capable of doing it, you would...and if you can't it's ok, especially if I am asking last minute. I appreciate just the time you took in seeing if you could make it happen.
Now, take the time to do yourself a favor. Take the time to pencil time for you. Even if it is something simple, like reading a few pages in a book you've been meaning to pick up for a while. A little goes a long way. And just as someone very wise and loving reminded me yesterday, every little bit counts, especially when it comes to getting in a workout. It may be only two days a week of Zumba right now, but in the long run I will see the greater impact it has on me.
Don't get to harsh on yourself either if you miss out. There's always tomorrow. Its like deciding to continue your binge eating after you have realized what you have done. Why? Why in your moment of clarity have you decided to say aw screw it and keep going? Better to stop then and there....better that then consume another 1000 calories you didn't need. Falling off the wagon is human, allow yourself to be human. Your strength comes from the willing and ableness to get back up and keep going. Don't give up on yourself!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Losing it...
I'm someone who has always been "big boned", voluptuous, fluffy....etc...(haha..fluffy is always funny to me)--or so i thought!
It was a little over a year ago when I seriously went at it in losing weight. I've always seem to battle the bulge (like many others out there). I've done WW (more than once) and crash diets gallor...but was never successful. I couldnt figure out why up until recently...after i'd lost over 50lbs.
Look, lets be honest....people who have always been skinny dont know what it is really like to fight this battle. Sorry skinny peeps but its true. You dont know what it is like to tip the scale at more the 250lbs, or to not fit in a movie theater seat without squeezing into it, to not be able to ride the ride b/c you cant pull the bar into the locking position, ask for the extendeder belt in the airplane so you can buckle up, get the looks esp when you eat out...etc. Lucky you! Its humiliating! So, NO you dont know what it is really like to fight the battle! So these weightloss books written by people who have always been skinny are a joke to me.
Anyone who knows me knows how much of an avid BL watcher I am...and here's why...its real people fighting a real battle! Yes, it should be inspiring b/c here are people who have already been humiliated on a daily basis for their weight and they are going on national tv to fight their battle...there are 3 people in this world who know how big i was at my biggest...and that took me a long time to divulged! I dont know that i could ever have gotten on a scale in front of the world at that weight. I respect those people!
I say all that to get to this. Anyone who thinks the answer to their weightloss (no matter what size they are) is in a book, on the tv, on the internet, in a box, in a meeting, with a personal trainer, in a bottle of pills...couldnt be more WEONG!!! This may sound cheesy to you but the answer really is within yourself! If you dont know how you got to that weight then you havent asked yourself the question b/c you have the answer. You cant find a fix to the problem if you dont know what the problem is or the cause of it in the first place.
We have the ability to accomplish whatever weightloss goals we set...we apply those skills to our daily lives. How many people have ever graduated? How many have studied for a test and earned a good grade? How many have had a successful relationship (platonic or otherwise)? How many have bought their own car or home? How many have earned a promotion at work? Finished an at home project or work project? We HAVE WHAT IT TAKES! You have the tools to accomplish what you want in regards to your health. You just need to apply them to your health. What do you do when you are hosting a party? You plan...you write it out, budget it, prep, etc. The same applies to your health. You cant take short cuts to be successful...not if you want real long lasting results. Personally, I want this change for life. I want to lose it all and never get it back. I want to live longer then 60. By taking shortcuts I miss out on life....
Dont miss out on life!
It was a little over a year ago when I seriously went at it in losing weight. I've always seem to battle the bulge (like many others out there). I've done WW (more than once) and crash diets gallor...but was never successful. I couldnt figure out why up until recently...after i'd lost over 50lbs.
Look, lets be honest....people who have always been skinny dont know what it is really like to fight this battle. Sorry skinny peeps but its true. You dont know what it is like to tip the scale at more the 250lbs, or to not fit in a movie theater seat without squeezing into it, to not be able to ride the ride b/c you cant pull the bar into the locking position, ask for the extendeder belt in the airplane so you can buckle up, get the looks esp when you eat out...etc. Lucky you! Its humiliating! So, NO you dont know what it is really like to fight the battle! So these weightloss books written by people who have always been skinny are a joke to me.
Anyone who knows me knows how much of an avid BL watcher I am...and here's why...its real people fighting a real battle! Yes, it should be inspiring b/c here are people who have already been humiliated on a daily basis for their weight and they are going on national tv to fight their battle...there are 3 people in this world who know how big i was at my biggest...and that took me a long time to divulged! I dont know that i could ever have gotten on a scale in front of the world at that weight. I respect those people!
I say all that to get to this. Anyone who thinks the answer to their weightloss (no matter what size they are) is in a book, on the tv, on the internet, in a box, in a meeting, with a personal trainer, in a bottle of pills...couldnt be more WEONG!!! This may sound cheesy to you but the answer really is within yourself! If you dont know how you got to that weight then you havent asked yourself the question b/c you have the answer. You cant find a fix to the problem if you dont know what the problem is or the cause of it in the first place.
We have the ability to accomplish whatever weightloss goals we set...we apply those skills to our daily lives. How many people have ever graduated? How many have studied for a test and earned a good grade? How many have had a successful relationship (platonic or otherwise)? How many have bought their own car or home? How many have earned a promotion at work? Finished an at home project or work project? We HAVE WHAT IT TAKES! You have the tools to accomplish what you want in regards to your health. You just need to apply them to your health. What do you do when you are hosting a party? You plan...you write it out, budget it, prep, etc. The same applies to your health. You cant take short cuts to be successful...not if you want real long lasting results. Personally, I want this change for life. I want to lose it all and never get it back. I want to live longer then 60. By taking shortcuts I miss out on life....
Dont miss out on life!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
One heck of a ride--from beginning to END!!
I'm forewarning ya'll that my mind is all over the place right now. There is SO much going on that I dont really want to corale my mind but feel the need to write now...i usually produce some of my best blogs when theres a lot going on up there. So just bear with me, please. I think you may get more out of this one than you think. "Dont judge a book by its cover." It's been on heck of a ride since I have started this...
So let's get started...
Spring is always about new beginnings (and beginning in general). It's like the world re-awakening from winter! We tend to get back on workout regimens we may have dropped off of (many of us in preparation for summer), it's notorious for weddings (the beginning of marriages), births, etc. We make so much focus on beginnings on life and tend to forget about finishing. I know, i'm guilty of it myself. As an artist I have many paintings and drawings that I have yet to complete. So i'm not chastizing anyone for being "guilty" of this. But here's my theory....i think we focus so much on beginning vs ending b/c ends have had somewhat of a negative connotation placed upon it. Think about it...someone dies, the buzzer ending a game sounds and you are a shot off from winning, a movie ends, a book ends, a relationship ends... But what if we thought about it this way....someone who was sick is now no longer in pain, you finished the race, a new book can be started, etc. Finishing something isn't so bad. Finishing is actually GREAT!!
We are about to come up on the month of May (ya take a look at your calendar, we are half way through April, I can say that!). May is the month that I will bring my Traditional Undergraduate career to a close. I will officially have obtained my degree. Part of my is sad in that I didnt get this done while my mom was alive to witness it, but I know she's somewhere up there going "Thank God! Finally! If only she had done that while I was still alive her father wouldnt have bugged me about it." But I'm so much more excited and thrilled them I am sad about that. I have finished something! Something more then a book (as of late). Finishing is such an accomplishment that many of us take for granted.
I joke about how the gym clears out by March because I finally dont have to fight for a machine that I want to use. But in reality it is a sad thought for me. So many people who set out with their New Year's goals will not accomplish them. They will give up before they barely got started. They wont feel the greatness of finishing and more importantly of being a healthier and happy version of themselves! I am still far off from my ultimate weightloss goal, but now more then ever I am more dedicated and determined to accomplish it! Not so much b/c i've gotten this far and think it a waste to go back but b/c i know how GREAT this feels and I know that it will feel that much better when I finish at my ultimate goal!
Think about being in school and how great it felt to finish a project or paper for a class! You no longer had it weighing on your mind. Think about finishing your chores as a kid so you could go out and play...how great did that feel?? I encourage you to start what you finish! Start small, remind yourself of the feeling of accomplishment of finishing...how satisfying and gratifying it is...then go big! Hit that weightloss goal you have been working on for so long; land that deal at work; finish that big project at home; get debt free, etc.
Realize the greatness in finishing and in turn the greatness that still (and will always) exist in YOU!!!
Finish Stong!!
So let's get started...
Spring is always about new beginnings (and beginning in general). It's like the world re-awakening from winter! We tend to get back on workout regimens we may have dropped off of (many of us in preparation for summer), it's notorious for weddings (the beginning of marriages), births, etc. We make so much focus on beginnings on life and tend to forget about finishing. I know, i'm guilty of it myself. As an artist I have many paintings and drawings that I have yet to complete. So i'm not chastizing anyone for being "guilty" of this. But here's my theory....i think we focus so much on beginning vs ending b/c ends have had somewhat of a negative connotation placed upon it. Think about it...someone dies, the buzzer ending a game sounds and you are a shot off from winning, a movie ends, a book ends, a relationship ends... But what if we thought about it this way....someone who was sick is now no longer in pain, you finished the race, a new book can be started, etc. Finishing something isn't so bad. Finishing is actually GREAT!!
We are about to come up on the month of May (ya take a look at your calendar, we are half way through April, I can say that!). May is the month that I will bring my Traditional Undergraduate career to a close. I will officially have obtained my degree. Part of my is sad in that I didnt get this done while my mom was alive to witness it, but I know she's somewhere up there going "Thank God! Finally! If only she had done that while I was still alive her father wouldnt have bugged me about it." But I'm so much more excited and thrilled them I am sad about that. I have finished something! Something more then a book (as of late). Finishing is such an accomplishment that many of us take for granted.
I joke about how the gym clears out by March because I finally dont have to fight for a machine that I want to use. But in reality it is a sad thought for me. So many people who set out with their New Year's goals will not accomplish them. They will give up before they barely got started. They wont feel the greatness of finishing and more importantly of being a healthier and happy version of themselves! I am still far off from my ultimate weightloss goal, but now more then ever I am more dedicated and determined to accomplish it! Not so much b/c i've gotten this far and think it a waste to go back but b/c i know how GREAT this feels and I know that it will feel that much better when I finish at my ultimate goal!
Think about being in school and how great it felt to finish a project or paper for a class! You no longer had it weighing on your mind. Think about finishing your chores as a kid so you could go out and play...how great did that feel?? I encourage you to start what you finish! Start small, remind yourself of the feeling of accomplishment of finishing...how satisfying and gratifying it is...then go big! Hit that weightloss goal you have been working on for so long; land that deal at work; finish that big project at home; get debt free, etc.
Realize the greatness in finishing and in turn the greatness that still (and will always) exist in YOU!!!
Finish Stong!!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
LIVE Life
Every day I'm reminded that I don’t really know what living is about. That's not a negative thing...just to say that I receive a constant reminder from God (or whomever you chose to believe in) that I need to be grateful to be alive! That every day I am blessed with is just that a blessing...a gift! Let me back track a moment here and tell you how I came to be inspired for this blog.
Just about 24 hours ago I was working...mindlessly-my work is that hard. But looking at that now reminds me that just about 6 months ago I wasn't working and was frustrated b/c of that. But the point being that I was working and folding towels, checking in members, etc. About half way through my shift I was mentally reminded about a time with my mom just before she died. As much as I tried to fight off the tears b/c I didn’t want to leave the desk, I was unsuccessful and stepped away to take care of myself. Seconds later I was on the floor of our break room in tears. I miss my mom frequently, nut most days are easy but every now and again I have moments like that. Over time I have, not forgotten but, archived the sick memories of my mom and have good/happy/healthy memories of her. But there is one I haven't let go of and that was her final living moments. The point being that this weighed on me the rest of my shift and I was perfectly content with just going home and sleeping until whenever I happened to wake up later that day. Turn off my cell phone and just sleep it off. But I came home to some news that completely obliterated my self pity. It wasn't a misery loves company moment but a reminder that while my life may be rough at times, I’m not alone.
We so many times get wrapped up in what’s going wrong in our lives that we forget what’s going right! We seem to lose track of our blessings. We aren’t grateful for what we do have and instead wallow in what we don't/ Yesterday reminded me how blessed I am for the wonderful people I do have here with me in my daily life. It reminded me (as today did) that I woke up this morning, able to get up and out of bed on my own. I am able to get up on my two fully functional legs and walk to the bathroom to brush my teeth, shower, etc. I am blessed to have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, school to attend, family who loves me no matter what, friends who support me in my endeavors, and a man who loves me unconditionally (I’m crazy and he still loves me, I know it boggles my mind at times too! :) ). Things may not be ideal or perfect in all situations but they are all lessons in life that I am destined to learn.
Going back to school has had its ups and downs--and it’s only been two semesters--but it’s between those ups and downs that I've come into my own and where I have grown. My weight loss journey has had daily obstacles but here I sit pounds lighter. It's all worth it in the end. But in that "dark cloud" moment we tend to forget and lose sight of the final goal/destination. There is a reason that quote is so famous...
"..It’s not about the destination but the journey along the way..." (Something along those lines). It’s in our travels along the way where we transform into something great. Don't focus on the daily struggles...think BIG, dream VIVIDLY, love UNCONDITIONALLY, be grateful DAILY, learn FOEVER....in that you will end up successful.
Just about 24 hours ago I was working...mindlessly-my work is that hard. But looking at that now reminds me that just about 6 months ago I wasn't working and was frustrated b/c of that. But the point being that I was working and folding towels, checking in members, etc. About half way through my shift I was mentally reminded about a time with my mom just before she died. As much as I tried to fight off the tears b/c I didn’t want to leave the desk, I was unsuccessful and stepped away to take care of myself. Seconds later I was on the floor of our break room in tears. I miss my mom frequently, nut most days are easy but every now and again I have moments like that. Over time I have, not forgotten but, archived the sick memories of my mom and have good/happy/healthy memories of her. But there is one I haven't let go of and that was her final living moments. The point being that this weighed on me the rest of my shift and I was perfectly content with just going home and sleeping until whenever I happened to wake up later that day. Turn off my cell phone and just sleep it off. But I came home to some news that completely obliterated my self pity. It wasn't a misery loves company moment but a reminder that while my life may be rough at times, I’m not alone.
We so many times get wrapped up in what’s going wrong in our lives that we forget what’s going right! We seem to lose track of our blessings. We aren’t grateful for what we do have and instead wallow in what we don't/ Yesterday reminded me how blessed I am for the wonderful people I do have here with me in my daily life. It reminded me (as today did) that I woke up this morning, able to get up and out of bed on my own. I am able to get up on my two fully functional legs and walk to the bathroom to brush my teeth, shower, etc. I am blessed to have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, school to attend, family who loves me no matter what, friends who support me in my endeavors, and a man who loves me unconditionally (I’m crazy and he still loves me, I know it boggles my mind at times too! :) ). Things may not be ideal or perfect in all situations but they are all lessons in life that I am destined to learn.
Going back to school has had its ups and downs--and it’s only been two semesters--but it’s between those ups and downs that I've come into my own and where I have grown. My weight loss journey has had daily obstacles but here I sit pounds lighter. It's all worth it in the end. But in that "dark cloud" moment we tend to forget and lose sight of the final goal/destination. There is a reason that quote is so famous...
"..It’s not about the destination but the journey along the way..." (Something along those lines). It’s in our travels along the way where we transform into something great. Don't focus on the daily struggles...think BIG, dream VIVIDLY, love UNCONDITIONALLY, be grateful DAILY, learn FOEVER....in that you will end up successful.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Focus on the journey not the Destination
Men be glad you aren’t a female…seriously…I mean I’m laughing at myself while I’m writing this but in all honesty it’s not pregnancy that I wish men could experience so they understand—it’s the menstrual cycle. I swear ya’ll wouldn’t last a month. Don’t get me wrong, by no means am I saying that how we act during this time is ok or that being in your position is easy. But I think if you experienced you would better understand why some of—well probably most of—us act the way we do when we PMS. For me, it is not about the cramps or the fact that I bleed unwillingly for a week. It’s consciously knowing my hormones are ridiculously out of whack and the moods that sets me into and not really being able to control it all. It frustrates me that I get all clingy and doom & gloom sometimes to where I just want to be a hermit. I don’t like it b/c that’s not me, that’s not who I am.
Just on Sunday I was super motivated about the New Year and new me…. and Monday I turned into this down in the dumps person. I just wanted to be coddled and I’m SO not that girl. I’m a “give me my space” kind of girl. Let me do my own thing girl! Tonight as I was re-evaluating my previous day I sort of winced. I wanted to go back and apologize to those I bulldozed over. But as I was contemplating my “I’m sorry” messages to those people I was reminded of an email I had received from my dad not too long ago.
It was a story about a little boy who had a bad temper that he couldn’t seem to control. So his father told him that every time he got mad and wanted to blow off steam he should go hammer a nail into the fence. So time went by and every time the boy got mad he’d take the hammer to the nail to the fence. Boxes of nails later his outbursts became few and far between. Eventually the boy didn’t need the nails or the hammer anymore. When he went to tell his father about this he said good now remove those nails. Perplexed the boy did so. He noticed all of the holes left in the fence from the nails he hammered into it. His father turned to him and said those are all the holes that you would leave in someone when you would have an outburst with them. You can’t go back and fill those holes. So while you may be able to go and remove the nail you cant fix the hole.
This reminded me of my day. All those holes I left and that was just one day…I shook my head in disappointment. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that “sorry” should be forgotten and not used. But in the future I need to be more conscious of my actions and words that I choose to use. I may be having a bad day, but someone else’s may be a whole lot worse. All they may need is just a smile.
So guys, while it may not be possible for you to experience what we as women go through every month, keep in mind that it is not an easy battle for us to fight either. Patience is a virtue…. just take a deep breathe and remember that it will all be ok.
Meanwhile, I’m working on getting back on track—no matter the time of month—to my original goal and inspiration from Sunday’s sermon of enjoying and focusing on my journey more so than my destination. This year has a lot in store for me. I have more weight loss and health goals set for myself, educational and career goals, and milestones that I know are in store for me. But in order to succeed at all the potential that this year has for me, I have to let go of the person I was in my past and move forward into the woman I am now and going to be in the future. So with this journey I plan to enjoy each and every moment of it. Everything happens for a reason: good, bad and otherwise. Be patient and with an open heart you will always come to understand who, what, where, when, why, and how. I have been blessed with life, now it’s my job to make something of it!
Just on Sunday I was super motivated about the New Year and new me…. and Monday I turned into this down in the dumps person. I just wanted to be coddled and I’m SO not that girl. I’m a “give me my space” kind of girl. Let me do my own thing girl! Tonight as I was re-evaluating my previous day I sort of winced. I wanted to go back and apologize to those I bulldozed over. But as I was contemplating my “I’m sorry” messages to those people I was reminded of an email I had received from my dad not too long ago.
It was a story about a little boy who had a bad temper that he couldn’t seem to control. So his father told him that every time he got mad and wanted to blow off steam he should go hammer a nail into the fence. So time went by and every time the boy got mad he’d take the hammer to the nail to the fence. Boxes of nails later his outbursts became few and far between. Eventually the boy didn’t need the nails or the hammer anymore. When he went to tell his father about this he said good now remove those nails. Perplexed the boy did so. He noticed all of the holes left in the fence from the nails he hammered into it. His father turned to him and said those are all the holes that you would leave in someone when you would have an outburst with them. You can’t go back and fill those holes. So while you may be able to go and remove the nail you cant fix the hole.
This reminded me of my day. All those holes I left and that was just one day…I shook my head in disappointment. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that “sorry” should be forgotten and not used. But in the future I need to be more conscious of my actions and words that I choose to use. I may be having a bad day, but someone else’s may be a whole lot worse. All they may need is just a smile.
So guys, while it may not be possible for you to experience what we as women go through every month, keep in mind that it is not an easy battle for us to fight either. Patience is a virtue…. just take a deep breathe and remember that it will all be ok.
Meanwhile, I’m working on getting back on track—no matter the time of month—to my original goal and inspiration from Sunday’s sermon of enjoying and focusing on my journey more so than my destination. This year has a lot in store for me. I have more weight loss and health goals set for myself, educational and career goals, and milestones that I know are in store for me. But in order to succeed at all the potential that this year has for me, I have to let go of the person I was in my past and move forward into the woman I am now and going to be in the future. So with this journey I plan to enjoy each and every moment of it. Everything happens for a reason: good, bad and otherwise. Be patient and with an open heart you will always come to understand who, what, where, when, why, and how. I have been blessed with life, now it’s my job to make something of it!
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