This process/transition of change can seem quite daunting and unbearbale to us at times. There's not enough time, it's not the right not, etc. Truth is that when that change is happening it's always the right time. I'm guilty of always saying this and of saying that I'm someone who doesn't/didn't change much because I didn't like it. But that's false--it's part of nature to always be changing and eveolving whether we are conscious of it or not.
I was defeinitely conscious of it yesterday and most of this past week! I started off the week aware of the shift that was going on and trying to work with it--I was already exhausted from a long weekend of school and I don't get holidays off as I am self employed, so Monday was no break for me. I would have much rather been out taking the day of service than working inside. When I did get out that day it was to take a walk, I needed it and was determined to get out and do it! Because of the weather, I took my walk indoors and I cried on part of it as well, but I did it! It was nothing spectacular for time or distance it just got me moving! I'd like to say that it go better from there but I had some struggles the rest of that evening as well. Change can be overwhelming if we let it be.
My struggle yesterday got to me and I let it. I had to be talked off the perverbial emotional ledge. The key for me to keep it in control is to reflect and write about it (hence my pressence here). Some see this as a weakness but I see it as being transparent--open and honest about life. I have been since I realized just how precious a gift life is after watching my mom pass away. Yes, if you are a regualr reader then you've heard me talk about her before, but I've gotten over the idea that I'm supposed to forget that it happened. I've grown since it happened, I've even started to see the bright light at the end of the grieving tunnel. But I know that I will always remember it because of the impact she and that experience had on my life. I may not physically have my mom here but I carry her spirit with me where ever I go and in whatever I do. I feel her presence when I need it most and where I least expect it. I realized this weekend that I'm letting go of the blame I put on myself with her passing. When I heard her say cancer I thought death--I admit it. But when she found it she was more sick than I knew and she put up one hell of a fight and I'm proud of her for that! I let go of the blame on myself becasue I realize that there's nothing that I did or could have done to bring that on her, me or my family. Life is just life and none of us control that. Before you jump down my throat for that last comment, hear me out.
I believe and live in the idea that we attract what we put out--that meaning if you are negative you attract negative and if you are positive you attract positive. But none of us are God and we don't get a say in who gets (or doesn't get) a terminal illness. Doctors can do all they can to try and save their patients but there is a limit (at least at this point) in what they can do. I'm grateful for the oncologist my mom had because he treated her as an individual and not like every other patient who walked through his door. I recall fondly our times in his office for her chemo treatments becasue they were four hours of quality time together.
Back to my original point. I lost sight of my positive mentality this week because of all the change going on internally. I recognize that now and appreciate those who helped me get to this point of realization. Their patience, kindness and honesty make me a better person. They show true love through their actions not just words and that means more than anything--that is a greater gift then any you could buy and wrap up to give!
My only words of wisdom here for those who feel like they too are going thru a change is to surround yourself with those kinds of people in your life. But don't forget to take time out for yourself. Love yourself as much as they do--that's a priority! Know that you deserve the best because of who you are right now and not who you will be! Take some "hermitt" time as I call it--in all the fullness of my schedule the last 6 months, I lacked the balance of my "me time" which contributed to my emotional breakdown.
Healthy and Happy Chinese New Year!
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